You can't touch this

It's been a while since my last post.  Life has been happily calm, quite and blissful.

We arrived back in Melbourne at the end of September, and I had one week to get everybody organised to start school, kindy and work on the following Monday.

I was more emotional than I thought I would be but happy that I think I kept it together pretty well.  I under estimated the sadness I would feel leaving all my gorgeous friends in NZ, as I was so focused on escaping and getting the children back to Melbourne.

It felt strange to all of a sudden have my parents there to help me with the children and support they offered in other ways.  I was so entrenched in having to survive on my own that it felt strange to have another four hands helping out, with discipline, entertainment and bedtimes.

The kids have transitioned amazingly  well.  DS is like a new little man.  From being so angry and hard work to an absolute pleasure to be with.  No anger, eating and going to bed on time, doing what is asked of him without having a complete melt down and especially becoming his Poppy's number one fan.

He has settled into his new kindy as a social, functional member of the class and we are currently preparing him to start school next year.  He is super excited albeit a little concerned that his uniform is too big.  We tried explaining to him yesterday that we got the smallest size available and that the other kids in his class will be in the same boat as him.  If you ask me I think he looks adorable in his over-sized uniform ... just makes me want to gobble him up!

DD is embracing the time she is getting to spend with the rest of her family, and loves the new school she is at.  Telling me it is the best ever.  She has had no problems making new friends.  However we have just entered the tween to teenage years and with the move it has thrown up some new challenges for me as a mother and a whole new attitude I have never had to deal with before.  I presume that this will only get worse before it gets better :o/  But hey, thats what it is all about.

Work = awesome!  Love my new job even though it is a bit of a hike at the moment to get too, but they are being a fantastic support as well.  I have really enjoyed the change in career so far and doing something different with my days.  I took the last semester of from my degree so that is also on the do to list, re-enroll over here.

While we have managed to move home, to Melbourne, unfortunately the drama in the New Zealand Family Court is not over.  There is an appeal to bring DS back to NZ.  While I believe that this will not be granted, it does mean I am still incurring large legal bills while I defend my position for the appeal. This is going to take many more months until it is heard in the High Court.

However that can not take away from how great it feels to be back home ... visiting old friends who I haven't seen in years.  Being apart of my family again on a daily basis. Knowing that this is it, WE WILL NOT MOVE AGAIN!!!

To do list ...

• Get DS off to school early next year
• Find a high school for DD
• Enroll to finish my degree
• BUY A HOUSE OF MY OWN TO LIVE IN FOREVER AND EVER

Doona vs Duvet

Always a debate I end up having with kiwi's, as they call a doona a duvet.

Here is the urban dictionary description of the difference between a doona and a duvet; and I might add right here that I was right, always have been about what kiwis call the duvet is in fact a doona.

The defining feature being that a DOONA has a removable cover to be washed, where as the DUVET does not.

So all my kiwi friends who I love so dearly, if what you have on your bed has a removable cover you are in fact sleeping with a DOONA and not a DUVET ... touche!!

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=doona (retrieved 10/09/2014)

 I wish you all a good nights sleep under your doona's ...  feel free to pronounce it with an Aussie accent xxx

Next I will be working on thongs, pavlova and Russel Crowe.


 

Five Mintues

That is how long I allowed myself to feel defeated, worn out and hopeless.


The court decision was that I can relocate DS back to Melbourne and now his father intends to apply to appeal and to stop the current orders from being effective.

Before hearing the news of the intention to appeal, I had gone and spent some time with counselor number 12 at the counselors insistence.  I bought him up to speed on where things were at.  He then took me through his last session with him.  Apparently he is a battered husband, that I would deprive him of food, making him live in hunger;  that I am a terrorist in his life.  I have heard all these things before so no surprises really.

So what now?

I will dispute his application to appeal and the request to stop the current orders.  Best outcome we still return to Melbourne has planned and our tickets are booked and paid for.  If I can't leave yet I have a plan B.

How do I feel?

Tired. I just want a big deep hot bubble bath that will wash all of this away.  To step out and for life to be the way it should  be. 

Indescribable Feeling

An elusive title perhaps, but the best  use of words to express how I feel at the moment., it is indescribable; yet I am going to try.  When I feel this way and I write here I often walk away feeling a little clearer and lighter.

I feel it in my heart and in my tummy, and my brain seems to get on board, over thinking how I feel so as  to try and find a solution to either enjoy it or stop it..

To the likes of a magic potion where a little bit of this and a little bit of that are thrown together, creating feelings that are both euphoric yet also have me feeling melancholy. 

It makes me feel a little like a crazy person, a little whacky.  And it makes me feel tired, it wears me out as I try to stablise my inside emotions with how my outside is behaving.

I don't like not knowing how I feel and why, it makes me feel vulnerable.  Yet most of the time there is not enough time for me to spend trying to figure it out as my attention is needed elsewhere, on children or work, so I then I just simply put up with how it feels.  And it feels uncomfortable.  Sometimes it makes me want to run, sometimes it makes me want to sleep. I feel stuck inside myself scratching to get out, and then stuck on the outside wanting to curl up and hide away on the inside.

Sometimes it is painful, and all I want is to escape from it or to dull the intensity of it ... 

Yet I am patient, I know it will subside and I will gain control again.  Surrounding myself with things that make me happy; my favorite people, music, movies etc.

Per ardua ad astra

~ Through adversity to the stars ~


Gosh where to start with this post. I suppose I never really thought much past the hearing, as I was afraid of not getting the outcome I needed.  Sitting on the fence thinking I had prepared for the good or the bad. The last 48 hours has been full of intensely mixed emotions.  To the point where today all my efforts where on not crying.  I described to a friend that I felt functional, it was more like my eyes were leaking and I just couldn't stop them.

Now, I can dig deep and find some reasons to blame for this like; PMT (always a girls best excuse for anything), that fact that I haven't slept more than two hours a night over the last few days or that I had reduced my medication.  Or perhaps like it was pointed out to me this evening, years of adversity.  

The horizon is beautiful, I get to take my children home, to be back with my friends who I have missed so immensely, spending time with my family again.  I have the most stress-free international move imaginable; the warmest welcome back into our family home with my parents, a job which I am so excited to start and the children are all sorted with school and kindergarten.

So why do my eyes keep leaking?

Some people say to me congratulations , you won.  I don't feel like I won.  Winning would be having had a loving relationship which was a place for children to be nourished and grow with the love of their mum and dad together.  

So while there isn't the sense of winning, there are no regrets.

 I do however know that I have done the best by my children in the situation we are in, but still there are no winners.  There is safety and the hope that I can give them both the up bringing that means that they can go onto to have happy, healthy functional lives; with the ability to maintain positive relationships with others.  That I can bring joy into their lives and that the three of us will go on many adventures creating wonderful memories together.  The judgement was not only for relocation, it was also for primary custody, dramatically reducing the time spent with him by the DS. I am not a dad.  And those are shoes that I can not fill, nor do I want too.  I need to focus on being their mum, hoping that I can bring  balance into their lives so that they know that while we don't live with a dad, he is there.  And within the limits of keeping them safe somehow I will juggle helping them both maintain that connection.


It was a friend who had the privillage yesterday of witnessing the beginning of the meltdown.  Perhaps taken unaware by my news firstly, which I then followed up with a torrent of tears (even though they have tried assure me I wasn't a blubbering mess, it sure felt like I was). I made my head hurt by trying to hold them in (the tears), it was an impossible task at times.  This friend stayed strong, having been through something similar their words of empathy reached me.  Holding me, assuring me that what was happening was the right thing. They knew that while the rest of the world is saying congratulations, you won, that inside I am grieving.  Thank you.

And then today, I was scared to even talk to anyone as I knew my bottom lip could drop at anytime and then that was the sure sign the my eyes were going to start leaking again.  An excuse I have learnt over the years to try and disguise an ugly crying face is hay-fever.  I have no idea if anybody actually believes that but I don't feel like such a dumb-ass for walking around all day with red puffy leaking eyes.  I thought about not going to work but knew that I would just lie on the couch and cry all day. So being the sharing caring type I decided to go in and  inflict my emotions on everybody else in the office!  And while physically present at my desk, I wil admit that not much work actually got completed.  I tired ,I really did.  But feeling slithgy dehydrated and sleep deprived there was no amount of caffeine that was going to bring me back today.  All I can hope for tonight is sleep and hours of it.

So to conclude so that no-one is left worried or concerned; I am back on my full dose of meds, I pride myself on the self awareness that I have about how I feel and I will not hesitate to to ask for help.  And while I complain about the amount of tears at the moment you know that I can still smile and laugh.  

I am mentally preparing for tomorrow by visualising getting up tomorrow morning, putting my big girls knickers on, listening to Edith Piaf  and getting ready for the day ahead. Whatever it plans to throw at me, through tears and possibly snot running down my face, I will kick its arse.

 

Finding your happy place

After reaching the point of being almost 100% consumed with my application in the Family Court I am now left waiting.  Waiting for THE answer to the biggest question I have ever asked in my life.

It's funny in a way how after months of carrying around the stress even though my head knows I am done my bodies physically response is still catching up.  I have to remind myself that it is done now, no need for the anxiety.

I think I have been able to prepare myself the best I can for either decision, yes or no.  It is more about being able to move on with life, regardless of which city I live in.  Don't get me wrong I want to be home in Melbourne, but if that can't be then I know I can make the something of it here.  It's just a matter of tackling the over whelming homesickness I feel sometimes.

Today I fell on edge, still awake at 11.16pm but that probably has something to do with the can of V I drank this afternoon :o/  I feel restless, like I need to go for a run, and anybody who knows me well knows I don't run!!  So instead I am lying in bed, laptop on my tummy listening to music and banging away on the keyboard in the hope that I can tire myself out before my alarm goes of at 6am.  And at 6am I am sure I am going to feel tired and struggle out of bed.

One comment the other day sticks out to me, made on my FB page.  That I don't write with bitterness and anger.  I am sure every body has their own perceptions when they read my blog, but I was actually glad to hear that it doesn't come across that way.

I do get angry and bitter, but talk myself out of it.  To hold on to any negative feelings about what has happened and what has been done I believe plays into the control aspect of the domestic violence cycle.  While I acknowledge those feelings of hate and sadness I try not to hold onto to them for too long. To do so would only continue the cycle of domestic violence we lived with.  I believe that my children need to see me move on with my life and not hold such negativity in.  Don't get me wrong when face to face with him it is a great internal struggle not to lash out, to blame him for everything.  Seeing him are the times I have to use all my self control not to stoop to his level and I can feel the hate is oozing out of me.  Oozing hate is no way to keep yourself looking young!!

Mind over matter, that's how I do it.  Acknowledge how I feel in the moment and afterwards; right, wrong or indifferent and then find my happy place!

 And today my happy place was a block of Cadburys Picnic chocolate.  It has been the longest time since I have eaten chocolate and today I made up for that.  All it took was 15 minutes in the waiting room to get my eyebrows waxed and BAM, half a block gone.  But tomorrow who knows where I will find my happy place and that's what I love about life; you just never know :O)

 

INTENSE

What a week.  The week I had spent many hours in the middle of the night awake thinking about for the last  10 months.

I was terrified of how it would be.  The hearing was for relocation to Melbourne and at the last minute I also applied for full custody, and for the Judge to give me the guardianship rights to organise school and any care arrangements needed for DS week to week.  These things normally need to be organsied by the parents together but I had a strong case as to the detrimental effect this would have on DS given his fathers history with changing kindergartens.

I had in my head that the three day hearing would be me defending myself agaist some outrageous allegations made by him and also defending my request to return my children back to Melbourne where a better life awaits them.

I was anxious at the arrival of my mum and dad from melboure who had been called as witnesses.  There were some things that I needed to tell them before the made their way to the witness stand,  and these weren't easy things.

My manager at work had always known what was going on but I decided to tell my team the week before the hearing.  They were all amazingly supportive with most them texting me last week-end to wish me the best of luck.

I didn't know I was capable of absorbing and coping with so much stress and anxiety as I had in the week leading up to the hearing. 

Life here had been pretty ugly over the last five years and there was a lot to relive in those three days for the sake of the judge.  Most of it written here in my blog, but like always not everything is here.  Some things that are still held in my head and heart I can't yet let out, and have never told anybody.

I had represented myself up to the last week of July, this was to reduce costs as I am barely able to meet the fortnightly payments I am making to my lawyer.  He has been there the whole ten months just waiting to jump in at the last minute.

He is amazing ... human.  He had prepared me for the worst and hugged me at the end.  I know it's his job and I am paying him, but this guy cared.  He cared for what was right for the children and what was right for me.  He was organised, prepared and super smart.  He nailed it like an episode of Boston Legal. 

The hearing had been set for three days, with nine witnesses; some professionals and the remainder us and family.  There were three lawyers; mine, his and DS was represented as well.  The Judge we had seen before and knew our case well.

By lunch time on the first day I knew I was going to me ok.  Although I was feeling OK I never let my guard down.  I was always waiting for that moment that would make my tummy turn and the tears start.  There were no tears at all through the whole process. 

Things were focused on the domestic violence that the children and I had lived with.   As well as the in-stable environment that he had created for DS.  I wasn't cross examined for as long as I thought nor were the questions as bad as I had prepared myself for.  My parents time was also minimal.

Alot of time was spent with him and his parents, made to accept as individuals that  their behaviour had been harassment and his father asked had he ever apologised to me for what he had put me through.

The feeling of justice and liberty is indescribable.  For years I had listened to him blame me for everything.  Regardless of the outcome to relocate this has been an amazing part of the journey to healing.  That it was acknowledged and recorded that he and his family behaviour was wrong.  So wrong that it has and will have an impact on the children.  If nothing else maybe it will deter them from behaving this way again with my family.

The Judge will take till the end of the month to make a decision.  If he grants my application to relocate there is an appeals process that he can go through.  I am pretty much expecting that to happen.  My lawyer and I have already started discussing our plan for that outcome.

Regardless of what the next few weeks may bring, I feel free.  



Please feel free to share my blog, my story.  It may give somebody the courage to fight when they didn't think that they could.

Seventeen thousand reasons to fight

It's been a while since my last post, and many reasons why.  Emotional and physical.  I had been feeling so overwhelmed by everything that when I came here to write I couldn't make sense of what was in my head to get it all down.

What's changed is I have decided not to study for the rest of the year.  It was just adding way to much stress to an already stressful life.  So that has freed up some space in this head to concentrate on my continuing my fight to come home.  And to give you all an update.

The craziness has continued with co-parenting but I shan't bore you with all the details.  Lets just say that to any reasonable person what has been happening around here is pretty crazy.  But all in all my main focus is DS and DD.  Making sure that life is as normal for them as possible.

So we are VERY close to our final day in court, several weeks fingers crossed.  At the moment they are just trying to make sure that we are all available on the dates they want the hearing to be held.  

The hearing will be days long with some people flying internationally to be here to support my application.

The tittle of this post is a subtle or not so,  way of saying how much this hearing is going to cost me. To this point I have represented myself but now it is getting way serious and I need to hand over to the professionals.  And it is expensive.  But I refuse to freak out, there is no price on being close to your family and giving your children the best environment to grow up in, so I refuse to dwell on the cost.

Do I have that much money, HELL no.  This is where I am relying on the universe to help out.  I have a good relationship with my lawyer and the expectations have been set regarding payment, which helps.  That said he doesn't work for free.  I have a job in Melbourne which gives him some comfort around my ability to continue to repay him once we move (if we move).  

The cost of this will not stop me from fighting for what I believe is right, what I was promised and what is best for my children. 

So the plan is to ramp up the blogging again now as this is when I need you all behind me. 

Pissed

As in angry pissed, not drunk pissed.

So using a post to vent, as an hour and half after DS was due home, he still isn't.

Having had his father start the day with many phone calls about crap and now telling me we did not agree on a drop off time.

ANGRY is an understatement of how I feel right now.  And I haven't felt this upset in months, so I should be grateful for that.

Why is this man such a lying decietfull douche bag.  What is missing in his head to think that this is ok.

So DS is now missing out on a play date with his bestie becuase his father is a f**k wit.

I hate this feeling of extreme anger and loss of control because of somebody elses actions.  Sitting here waiting with no idea when he will be home.

So over it ... so, so, so over it.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That is all.

 

 

With Grace and Strength

Today marks two years since he was arrested and he was no longer living in the house with us.

DD name means with grace and DS name means with strength and this will be my next tattoo, along the side of my foot.  It will say 'With Grace and Strength'.  I have decided to have it on my foot as it represents both of my children and each step I make in life is for them.  I make those steps with, I believe, grace and  all though there have been dark days I rely on my strength to get myself and the children through.

The first week was horrible, I had to figure out how to be a full time mum with a full time job, all the while continuing to study towards my degree.  I had to juggle making care arrangements for the children while also making applications in the court to stop him coming back.

But I did it.  It is doable even in the hardest of circumstance like not having family close by to help me.

In two years I have completed my Diploma of Management, which is also my first year of my degree.

I have exceed at work and been recognised for it.  Going to work I believe is what helped me stay sane.  It was by no means easy, life was and is always hectic but it helps maintain routine.  As well as the social aspect was healing not that I told anybody what was happening at the time.  These days I think most people know and some even read this blog and I am comfortable with that.  It is what it is, and I refuse to hide that part of my life away for the sake of others.

DD is growing into a beautiful young women, no longer tormented by him or by witnessing what he used to do to me. I have noticed a big change in her and the reinforces for me that I have done the right thing.

DS is finally settling into his new routine.  And I give him all the cuddles and kisses that a little boy of his age needs when he is with me. Even though he protests most of the time, telling me to leave him alone.

I have managed to financially support this household by myself.   No assistance, either government or child support.  It is just me which is why it is so important that I continue to develop myself as I'm thinking these kids are only going to get more expensive the bigger they get.  And I don't want for them to want for anything.  I want to help them buy theirs first cars and I want to support them through university.  I want to own my own home again one day, so that it is ours.  So that I can decorate their bedrooms for them. 

Although the last six months have seen me hit the lowest of lows, it has also given me more strength by letting  you all know my story.

My life feels so different now than it did two years ago, it has more hope than it had had for the longest time.  I have learnt not to keep everything in on the inside, that a problem shared is a problem halved.  I have learnt not to be sad at the thought of being a single mum with two children rather to embrace our family unit for what it is, special and unique, us.

As I sit here typing I know I am only months away from knowing if we can come home.  I have an awesome job to return to and a home with my parents to help me get back on my feet. Family and friends standing on the sidelines cheering us on, giving us love and strength that we are going to need to get through this.

Today was Thursday

I know I have mentioned a few times how I get asked alot how do I do it, manage my life that is.  Most days run pretty well and then the universe throws a day like today at me.

Waking Up

Instead of waking up to my alarm I woke up to the feeling of my PJ's getting all warm and soggy.  No I didn't wet the bed but the little person next to me did.  So half an hour before we needed to be up I was showering both of us and changing bed linen.

Getting Ready

It was a rare occasion that DS actually got dressed without too much fuss this morning except for a bumpy sock problem, we tried many socks the right way and inside out as well as different combinations of socks and shoes but the bumps weren't going away.  I had the same issue as a kid so I didn't push the fact that it  was raining and windy outside and not really a day for bare feet.  I packed them in his bag and decided this morning the Kindy Teacher could deal with it.

Almost Called Emergency Services

After being up for two and half hours we were ready to leave the house.  DD and I at the front door calling DS to come down stairs.  No response ...

I go up stairs to find that he has closed his bedroom door then pulled out a draw so that I can't get in.  I was now in the situation of trying to convince him to push the drawer back in so that I could get to him.  There was only a centimeter wide gap for me to talk to him through.  A strong NO was the answer I got.  I spent ten minutes trying to talk him out and in my head I was thinking that my only option was to call the fire brigade.  DD gave it a go offering him a teddy bear of his choice from her bedroom as well sleeping in her bed with her tonight ... NO

Sooooo I rang his father and put him on speaker phone to see if he could talk him out.  Seeing as that failed I told his father that I was going to call for help. As there really was no way for me to get.  His bedroom is on the second floor and the windows don't open more than a crack for safety reasons.  His father said he would come over to see what he could do.

While waiting for his father DD tried again, she offered him a bowl of chocolate ice-cream.  Done out of his room in two seconds flat.  Just so you know I refused to let him eat the bowl of ice cream!  So he cried all the way to Kinder.

Nearly fell on my arse

 Due to a faulty heel on my shoes today, but what did happen is the heel broke off, so I had to hobble home to change them in the middle of the day.  These are new boots by the way!

The Afternoon

Normally this afternoon is my work from home afternoon, but I had a presentation I needed to go to and a meeting later in the afternoon, so I organised for DS to go to a friends house.  I just had to leave work, pick him up from kinder, drop him at his friends and go back to work.  Easy right?  Should have only taken half an hour, it took an hour and a half.  That time did include the broken heel while I was at the supermarket picking up a bread roll that DS wanted and wouldn't stop crying at his friends house about until he got it.  I felt sorry for the family he was with so gave into him to make the trip to purchase said bread roll and return it to him before I went back to work *sigh*

I was supposed to meet the CEO of the company that offered me the job in Melbourne.  I waited 45 minutes in the rain and wind to finally admit to myself that she wasn't coming.  And now I had to drive home in peak hour traffic which I normally manage to avoid.

Now

All I wanted when I got home 50 minutes ago was a big hot bubble bath with scented candles and music, what I got was a 5 minute shower to the sound of the kids killing each other and a blocked drain.  Oh I don't actually have a bath tub, so never going to happen.

The pizza has just arrived and the Yogi Bear movie is on,  the kids have been instructed calmly that mummy needs some quiet time so enjoy the movie and eat your dinner out of the box.

It's nights like tonight that eating pizza on your bean bag in front of the TV is ok.

Vultures

Before you get started just a refresher on the acronyms I use:

• DS - Dear Son, my son
• DD - Dear Daughter, my daughter
• FIL - Father in Law
• SIL - Son in Law
  

I got a call today from DS Great Grandmother.  Poor lady is in the midst of being harassed by this family, her blood. The vultures.

She rang to see if the children and I had received our Christmas presents, I told her no we hadn't.  She was upset as she had sent them to my FIL to pass on.  When she originally rang him for my address he refused to give it to her. He told her that he was not going to be the middle man, even though that is exactly what he did in regards to the passport arrangements at the end of last year.

I know I have mentioned the passport but don't think I have gone into any details and to lazy to read back through my posts to check, so here is the story.

I wanted to take DS home around Christmas last year.  This was his second trip home with me as he makes it so difficult for me to organise trips with DS.

Here in New Zealand a passport application only needs one parent to sign, however the terms and conditions say when you sign that the other parent/guardian knows that you are submitting the passport application.

Well he submitted the application and never told me.  When I rang the passport office about this they said that they had never been contacted before from the other parent saying they had never been told.

As far as he was concerned this then put him in charge of the passport and whether DS ever got to come home to visit the rest of his family.

After the first trip home I reluctantly returned gave the passport back to him, as I said I would and at the stage for what ever silly reason when it came t o him I was still trying to do right by him.  When it came for the second trip I followed the protocol set out in mediation which was an email to him and DS lawyer, setting out departure and return dates.  It was later in the evening that FIL rang me, calling on behalf of DS father.  I was given a long list of conditions to meet before they would agree for me to take DS home to see his grand parents, aunty, cousins and my friends.  As much as the conditions made my blood boil all I wanted was the passport so I could make the trip.  I signed a piece of paper for them agreeing to the conditions but wasn't given the passport straight away.  I had to wait until they were ready to hand it over.

Part of the agreement was that I would hand the passport back to FIL on my return, however in the agreement that they typed up they got the date wrong by a month.  When FIL rang me to organise to pick up the passport I told him that as per the agreement I wasn't required to hand it back for another month.  He wasn't happy.  The next three days were constant phone calls on my mobile and home phone from him and his father.  FIL kept coming around to the house knocking on the door which I ignored.  By the end of day one I had the curtains closed and the phones on silent.  I did pick up once or twice to be told that I was being sneaky and underhanded and that there would be legal consequences to me not giving them back the passport, even though the passport was gained illegally in the first place.  I was told that I was not DS guardian and did not have a right to keep the passport.  I spent three days to scared to pick up the phone or step outside my house.

Just I was ready to go to the police to see how I could stop the harassment they gave up.   But I knew that they would start again when the date on the agreement rolled around.

And I was right, by 10am a month later, as per the date on the agreement they both started calling again.  There was no talking reasonably to them.  Anytime I tried to explain my thoughts and feelings they would hang up only to call back ten minutes later demanding I hand over the passport again.

The first thing I did that Monday was handed DS passport to his lawyer.  What you would think was a reasonable solution.  Not as far as those two are concerned, father and son obsessed by being in control always and in particular when it comes to women.

This passport saga continues with DS father accusing myself and DS lawyer of breaching a court order in relation to the passport.  I have re-read that court order and it does not mention the passport ever.  I feel like a gained a little power back on this one and that what I did by handing it over to the lawyer was the right thing to do.

So back to DS Great Grandmother, long story short she has made some plans in life that my FIL her SIL does not agree with and he is harassing her by phone and mail, threatening legal action on an 80 year old woman.  It really does show that they are both cowards this father and son team, vultures!

Mummy stop the coughers

Still trying to overcome my case of the meh's, but realised I hadn't been exercising as much lately.  So the last few days I have made it my priority to get out and walk up the 2.5km hill near my house.  Starting to feel order return to my world :O)

Moving onto matter's of shared parenting ... Even though things have been quite the last wee while the last two weeks have been frustrating.

DS is hardly ever sick, however about two weeks ago I noticed he had a high tempature and was coughing alot.  We got through the weekend with pamol and rest.  When his father picked him up I gave him a run down of the situation and asked that he keep me updated on how he was going while DS was with him.  This was on Monday morning a week ago.

When I picked DS up from kinder Wednesday week ago he was still quite unwell.  I made a doctors appointment for the next morning.  We had a long night as DS didn't sleep well as his coughing kept him awake.  Asking me through out the night to make the coughers stop.

We went to the GP appointment last Thursday and I explained to her his condition and it was after this that she let me know that she had seen DS on the Tuesday and nobody had bothered to tell me.  When she had seen DS on Tuesday she suggested that he had a virus to his father.  Two days later she was suggesting that it may be bacterial because DS wasn't improving.  So as his doctor and mother we decided to proceed with a course of antibiotics.

When I got home I rang DS father to let him know that I had taken him to the doctors and that I had picked up the antibiotics and was starting them that morning.  We were both in agreement that it was the best thing to do as we didn't want DS to go down hill and end up with something nasty.  He called back about two hours later wanting to know which GP I had seen as he wanted to go in and talk to them.  I explained that as a grown and mature adult I fully comprehended the conversation I had with the GP and there was no need for him to go in.

The next day DS was back with his father for the weekend as well as the Monday and Tuesday.  I packed the antibiotics in his bag when he left.

DS father called me yesterday morning to let me know that he was still coughing but seemed to have improved. I asked had he completed the course of antibiotics that I had started and the answer was no.  I picked up DS a few hours later from kinder and it was obvious that he was not ok.  I checked in with the kinder teachers and they had noticed that he had been lethargic all week and not himself.  I was so angry, this was not a game of control between two parents this is our son's health.  After multiple calls to my mum I decide to call DS lawyer and ask her advice.  She was not impressed either in particular that the antibiotics had been started and not completed.  She has sent him a letter today expressing her concern for his lack communication with me and that he did not administer the medication that I had started under the advice of DS doctor.

I decided to take DS to another medical center last night for a second opinion and swabs were done to rule out a few things.  I am still waiting for the results while DS continues to keep himself awake at night coughing.  

On another note while the undie problem has disappeared, the replacement is the lunch box!  And while the Judge instructed him not to come to my house outside of pick up/drop off times he doesn't seem to have paid much attention.  Most days that DS is with me he finds a reason to drop something off.    

meh.

That's how I'm feeling ... meh

Urban dictionary definition: Indifference; to be used when one simply does not care.

What do I want for lunch ... meh. 

Look hot guy hanging off the side of the building cleaning windows ... meh

We can see up his shorts ... meh
 

The only thing that got me excited today was awesome news about the prospective job in Melbourne and chocolate cake.

I'm stuck in this stink and have been for about a week.  I'm not depressed, emotionally I feel very content.  Having dumped a lot of what used to go on in my head and heart here has done wonders!  I feel like I have lost my mojo, my spark that I use to keep myself and others motivated.  My abundance of energy and enthusiasm, which is not good this close to performance review time at work.  When I get asked how I think I have been preforming ... meh is not the answer.

There is a lot to not be feeling meh about at the moment.  We won an award at work last week.  Team of the year in our field out of all public and private sector teams, even beating out one of the largest banks in New Zealand and Australia.

The job offer, which I was given more info on today.  Like my job title, holy moly it is a little scary actually.  But I know me and I will take the challenge and kick its arse!

Any ideas for kicking an acute case of the 'meh's' are welcome ... 

Gosh even as I think about hitting the post button on this I feel like I am letting you all down cause it is so, how shall I say it ... meh?

 P.S Check out my friends website ;O)

http://www.scintilla-design.co.nz/Scintilla_Design/Home.html 

What happens in Court stays in Court

Somebody drank too much coffee today ... especially one cup in the afternoon which I never normally do.  So this is self inflicted insomnia.  So I am trying to put the awake time to good use.

If you know me on Facebook then you know the story so far and that I am trying to return home. Last week I had a 15 minute Court conference.  This was/is in prepartion for a final defended hearing where I have asked a Judge to decide if my youngest child can move back to my home town, country.

I represent myself, I don't have a lawyer prepare my papers or come into court with me.  I do pay for legal advice just to make sure I am doing the right things.  When it comes to the defended hearing I will have them represent me then.  I calculated the other day that to have the lawyer in court with me for two days it will cost $6,500.00 NZD. 

So things I have to do over the next 12 weeks:

• Attend a parenting through separation workshop
• Attend three more counseling sessions
• Re-read everything he has submitted to court and write a response
• Choose witnesses to have cross exmined
• Spend about eight hours with a psychologist -  by myself and at home with the children
• Have a social worker come around to eveluate our current home environment
• Save as much money as I can 

I have no issue doing any of this.  I welcome these people into my home to show them what I already know; that my children have a sfae, clean and loving home to live in.  Free of violence.

After that 12 weeks, the Judge will set a date for the defended hearing.  They are estimating at the moment that we will need to full days in Court.    Anybody who has put a supporting affidavit in can be called as a witness.  I had six people submit affidavits in support of my application and he has one support affidavit.  So far we know that two people from my affidavits have been called as witnesses and I need to confirm if they will do that by phone or if they will need to fly over.

So how do I feel about how last week went.  Slightly frustrated that this could drag on for another six months.  But I just have to put it in perspective, I am alive and I have my children and really six months is a drop in the ocean of a life time.

I also walked out of the court room feeling even more empowered, as I just sat there while he dug his hole deeper.  So far I haven't really had to say much as he does a really good job of saying the wrong things, which I feel just add weight to my application.

And the finale for that day ... him having a nutter moment after the court session in the waiting room in front of everybody.  Yelling at the top of his lungs like a mad man, shouting at DS Lawyer.  Maybe if I buy him a bigger shovel he can dig his hole faster and we can get this over and done with sooner.  

Below is just one song that has been on rotation for me lately:

 

In the course of time

Life has hit full speed again, juggling kids, work, study and back to court.

So at the end of this week I am back in court. It will be like a preliminary hearing which will set the timetable for what the Judge wants to be able to make a decision.  So certain reports will be done on us and the children.  Also this should result in a date for the final hearing where a decision will be made, I am hoping that this will be no longer than eight weeks away.  So I am feeling OK about this one, but starting to get nervous about the final hearing.  It could take all day and witnesses will be cross examined.

I have to go through all the papers he has filed since I put my application and this makes me feel sick.

Last time I read them, which was also the first time I read them I nearly had a nervous break down.  I couldn't stop crying, shaking and vomiting.  I remember going to bed that night crying and even though I slept a little every time I woke up I would be crying still.  By the morning I had no control of the physical symptoms of the stress I was experiencing. I did my best to get DD off to school with out her having to witness to much of my close call with a breakdown. 

I drove myself straight to the doctors as soon as I could, and as soon as I walked in her office she put her arms around me and passed the box of tissues.  I could hardly speak to tell her what was happening, but I obviously got enough out for her to be able to help me.

She diagnosed it as an acute panic attack and anxiety.  She gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant which I still take at the moment.  It has helped a lot.  I can't afford to stop functioning at this point.  So I take this medication for anxiety and not for depression.  I have had a few smaller panic attacks since but manage to get a grip on myself easier than before.

The idea is that I will take them until I have an answer about the relocation, and once things settle down after that I  will start to reduce my dose and hopefully my need for them.

So you can understand why I am so hesitant to spend my time reading those court documents  again, over and over ,while I write my response to his untruths and unfair opinions of me as a mother to both my children.

I need to keep focused on the end result and ackownledge that the next two months are going to be tough, painful and scary.  But I will focus on the result I want, that the children and I need.  To go home to be with our family and friends.

So once again friends and family,  this is when I need you to send your love and strength our way.  Prayers or positive energy which ever you believe in, it is all needed and I am grateful beyond words for all of the well wishes that you have all sent me so far xxx

Back here ...

I'm back.

I tried writing while I was away, but couldn't get into it.  Figure I was surrounded by those that I love and that eliminated the need to brain dump here.

But here I am, back!  The trip was just what I needed.  I got to see my family, with all their tears ... emotional bunch at times.  I got to spend time with my dearest friend and her family, sick babies and all, I didn't care.  I was just happy to cuddle her babies and help out where I could. I don't know how she does it.  Working practically full time with twin one year old's.  Running a house with her husband and step-son.

Highlights ... arriving!  and sleeping.  I was sleeping a solid six to seven hours a night which is something I haven't done in a long time.  I even got a three hour nap in on my second last day.  And then first night back in my own bed, arghhhh awake at stupid o'clock.

I caught up with an old high school friend and got to meet his beautiful wife and children.  We figured that we hadn't seen each other since my 21st birthday party, 17 years ago. I think we look the same just older.  And we probably don't get into as much mischief as we used to either.

I got a tattoo.  A long awaited one.  It is my second and I would show you but it is the children's names, so not here.  If you have me on facebook you can see the munted after photo where it is all swollen (must post a new one as it looks much better now). 

I shopped and ate just like I said I would.  Way to many donuts, but hey I was on holiday.  And my suitcase had more in it for the return trip than it should have.  

The weather wasn't as hot as I would have liked but we did get one hot day.  I loved spending time with my big niece.  And I only checked my work email twice, three times if you count this morning.

This is my first week back studying after a summer break as well.  So this is were life starts to get stupid busy.  But I just keep focused on the end goal.

While I was away I got a court date.  This will be a preliminary hearing for the actual hearing regarding my application to relocate.  It is a good step forward, however this process has sharp turns at times so I will just put my game face on and wait and see what happens.

Whatever the decisions is, it will just be good to get on with life, here or at home.

At the moment I am still feeling the afterglow of the trip, but I know it won't last and it will be hard the next couple of days getting back into life here instead of at home.

I am the world's crappiest photographer, but here are a few photo's I took:

Flying into Melbourne, over the east coast

Home

The best place in the world to sleep

This is a ring tailed possum that lives with my parents, on the outside of the room I stayed in

Raspberry and vodka, cause it seemed like a good idea at the time.  It tasted like cough syrup and made our mouths bright red.  Maybe good for 16 year olds but I might try something a little more grown up next time

Mid tattoo

 

The Lucky 11

Today I had my final court ordered counselling session.  This was to work on communication between the two of us.  But as I have been refusing to sit in the same room as him, we take it in turns seeing her.

As I was driving home after today I decided to count how many counsellors I have seen over the last couple of years.  Each number represents a different counselor.

1. After he treated a close friend of mine really badly I told him that we needed to go to counselling.  We did and after 5 sessions the counselor told us he couldn't help
2. Counseling by myself
3. Counseling by myself
4. Counseling together for a few months and then by myself
5. First court ordered counseling - this is the one that the counselor refused to see him again
6. Second court ordered counseling with someone new a week after seeing number 5
7. Counseling by myself after my stint in the refuge 
8. Counselling by myself after separation 
9. Court ordered counseling ... again
10. Counseling by myself - didn't go back after she suggested I punch him in the face.  I would love too, but it ain't going to help the situation
11. Current court ordered counseling

Going forward it is probably going to be easier to give them the link to my blog instead of wasting the better part of the hour giving them the back story.

So my thoughts on counseling?  I have seen so many people with varied approaches I am done.  If my head is messed up I will sort it out myself.  Writing this blog as been far more therapeutic than any of the time I have spent with a counselor.  I know when I am not feeling altogether and I have strategies for that.  But more often than not, I am happy.  I am alive and I am healthy, I have a good job that I love and even though life is more often than not crazy hectic, when I have down time I get bored.  As I have said before, my best work is done under pressure for time and resources.

Knowing to surround myself and accept the support of family and friends is also the key, but that hasn't been so easy for me to do.   If I didn't tell anyone what was going on, then I didn't have to answer any questions or face the reality of all of it.  It was also I didn't think anybody could help me.  It felt like such a helpless situation and that there was no way out of it.  That even if I did just put the kids in the car and leave, I had no where to go. 

I try really hard not to regret anything, because all that I experienced was because I made a decision at that point in life and it felt right.  There is no point putting myself through the pain of what if's or I should've.  I have two beautiful children, and what ever my path has been to becoming there mother and being the mother I am today, it is a journey worth while.  They are the ones that fill my heart with love and joy regardless of what else is going on in my life.

Thursday 27th February

This morning I woke up after a great nights sleep, happy, bubbly and feeling good.  I knew I had this appointment and didn't really like the idea of going because I knew there would be a drop.  I had no choice though I had to go.  I had to sit there and listen to her tell me his side.  Bubbling in side with anger I listened.  All that she passed on I could relate too .  His fears and hesitations about moving.  I could relate to this because it is exactly the life he has made me live for the last five years.  My response to her was it would be nice if he could recognise that what he has said he is scared of, is what I live every day.  

When she asked would I have a session with him in the room, I couldn't talk.  Tears welled up and my bottom lip trembled.  I have so much anger for him I couldn't stand to listen to one crappy word come out of his mouth about how he is feeling.  He has never acknowledge any of the  hurt he has caused me and the children.  He has never apologised for anything, ever.  However he still seeks apologies and understanding from me for how he feels.  

And all I feel is that he is a coward.  For all his false promises he still can't man up.  He would rather make me live this life here away from my family and friends and the city I know.  Isolating the children from their extended families and in DD case her father.  Because he is scared.  

Grow some balls, or here take my big girl panties and put them on.  I don't need them anymore, I am strong enough without them now!

Friday 13th - Part Two

He's gone.  This is it,  what I have wanted for the longest time.  However there is no feeling of relief.  I am constantly checking that the doors are locked and keep the curtains drawn.

There is a warrant for his arrest but the Police can't find him.  They call me a couple of times a day to see if I have heard from him.

He smashed my phone and I have a spare but it is flat and my charger is at work.  It is Saturday morning and I get the kids ready to get in the car.  Once we get up to the drive way I remember I left my car down by the bus stop.  About a 10 minute walk.  So off we go, DS wont walk so I carry him.

We get to the car and I get everybody in and buckled up.  I go to start the car and it wont.  It is not even turning over ... this is all I need.  My car is old but reliable and it has never not started before.  I pop the bonnet not really knowing what I am looking for but something I might notice as wrong.  I start to cry.  I hadn't cried at all through the night before but this was the straw.

An old man came out of his house to see if he could help.  But I told him I don't think there is anything either of us can do.  The walk back home is going to be all up hill and I just don't have it in me to carry DS all the way home.  I ask the old man if he can drive us and he kindly does.  Me a crying mess in his front seat.

I couldn't call anybody because I didn't have a working phone.  I was so angry at him right then.  On the side of the road feeling completely helpless and this is not hurting me it is hurting the children as well.

I call FIL, I don't know how much he knows but he seems to know some of what had happened the night before but I didn't call to discuss that with him.  My suspicion is that he has done something to the car and I tell FIL this.  FIL says he will go and have a look at the car and get back to me.  About thirty minutes later he calls and says he can't see anything wrong with it but he also can't get it to start.


FIL pays for a taxi for me to go into work to get my charger.  I leave him with strict instruction not to let him in the house or near the children.  That there is a warrant for his arrest and that if he helps him in anyway I will lay a complaint with the Police.

I get back home about half an hour later and FIL informs me that he will go get my car and bring it home for me.  I ask him how as neither of us have been able to get it started.  He replies that he just has a feeling now that it will start.  A feeling my arse, he has spoken with his son and he has somehow managed to fix what he broke.

Sure enough the car starts and is working again.  Two years later and he still has the spare key but wont give it back.  

Given it is a Saturday there is not much I can do to get organised for the week/s ahead.  I need to get a lawyer and file for protection, furniture, property and care orders first thing.  I need to organise care for the children so I can go to work.  I don't know how much time I am going to need off work to sort all this out.

I feel nervous all the time, trying to keep it together for the kids.  I feel lonely and scared.  Overwhelmed by the largeness of it all.  Wanting to feel relief but he is still a wild card , nothing stopping him coming back.

On the Monday morning I manage to get DD into the holiday program that day, which means she can get of the house and doesn't have to sit around listening to me on the phone all day.

I have called work and told my manager what is happening and as always he is amazing supportive and tells me not to worry about them and take the time I need.  I get an email later from him in the day offering me a weeks paid special leave.

I manage to also find a care facility for DS that has a full time space and we go and visit that afternoon.  We come up with the plan to integrate him over the week while i am not at work so he would start full time the following week.  I feel sorry for the little dude as he had never been in that environment before.

So by the end of Monday I have care sorted for the kids and know I will be back at work the following week.  I still need a lawyer and to get all the orders filed.  The police are still trying to find him to arrest him.

Tuesday and he calls me, he wants to come to the house to talk.  I tell him that is fine I have to go out for a little bit but if I am not there when he gets there I won't be far away.  I put DS in the car and leave. I stop down the road a bit and call the Police to let them know he will be at the house soon.  They arrive five mintues later and tell me to wait in the car where I am.

I keep an eye on the rear vision mirror and it only takes a couple of minutes before the Police car comes down the road and past me, with him in the back.

He was charged with assault and wilful damage (breaking my phone) and plead not guilty.  He of course was out on bail and was not allowed to make contact with me.  The most peaceful months I had had in the longest time.  He dragged his court process out for a few months by continuing to plead not guilty.  Because this was his plea I was called as a witness.  I was there to hear a conversation between him and his lawyer where it was explained to him that the court would not take it lightly that he was going to push this to the point where I would be put on the stand.  But he never cares about anybody else but himself.  He went through three lawyers, they all dropped him as a client.  In the end his Daddy (FIL) paid big bucks to have him represented by a Queens Council, who walked into the court and plead him guilty.  Done.  I didn't have to be a witness any longer.

As it was his first offence there was no conviction.

Left over cake

I had an awesome day at work, half my meetings got cancelled which meant I actually got to do something productive.  Well it felt more productive than sitting in meetings all day does. 

 Big spreadsheets with thousands of lines of data.  Sorting it, turning it into pivot tables and analysing the results.  Having my two screens jammed packed with sessions and actually finishing what I started. Getting my inbox down from 7000 messages to just 60. The mailbox cleanup was forced upon me as I had reached my storage limit and couldn't send or receive anymore emails.  I was also able to answer my phone!

Sad I know, but I love the people I work with and it is probably one of the things that has kept me sane over the last few years  and today it was just a real buzz to get my hands dirty.  Recently it has been so busy that I just wasn't getting a chance to enjoy it.  I felt like I wasn't doing my job probably and mistakes were being made.  But today I managed to catch up and start some projects I have been wanting to do for months.  

However, I do wonder if it is the calm before the storm ... but hey I am on annual leave from Friday so not my problem!  This will be the first time I am away through end of month.  It will be interesting to see what I come back too.

 I have an awesome team who constantly keep me entertained, and can take a telling off when needed as well.

Some of the things we discussed today:

• That single females with short hair will never find a boyfriend.  I didn't agree with that.  The team was divided.
• That sesame crackers are better than salada crackers, but neither are as good as cheds.
• I explained to them what a chocolate ripple cake is - they had never heard of it.
• Are Australian Twisties better than Kiwi Twisties - Australian Twisties are better.
• What we would all do if we each won $12 million dollars.  Some were investing it and I was going to buy my own tropical island.
• Whether one of the guys should ask the new hot girl down the other end of the floor out on a date.  I suggested that he wouldn't want to do that and that I didn't think she was that hot actually.
• Someone suggested that my top made me look like Denise the Menace. Some thought so and others thought it made me look like Freddie Cruger or Kurt Cobain!!  They even emailed pictures to each other to add weight to their argument.
• Should you ever question your own stupidity aloud outside of your head ... in most cases no you shouldn't

And how do you end such a lovely day with your colleagues, you find left over cake in the tea room at 4.28pm.  Enough for us all to have a piece.