After reaching the point of being almost 100% consumed with my application in the Family Court I am now left waiting. Waiting for THE answer to the biggest question I have ever asked in my life.
It's funny in a way how after months of carrying around the stress even though my head knows I am done my bodies physically response is still catching up. I have to remind myself that it is done now, no need for the anxiety.
I think I have been able to prepare myself the best I can for either decision, yes or no. It is more about being able to move on with life, regardless of which city I live in. Don't get me wrong I want to be home in Melbourne, but if that can't be then I know I can make the something of it here. It's just a matter of tackling the over whelming homesickness I feel sometimes.
Today I fell on edge, still awake at 11.16pm but that probably has something to do with the can of V I drank this afternoon :o/ I feel restless, like I need to go for a run, and anybody who knows me well knows I don't run!! So instead I am lying in bed, laptop on my tummy listening to music and banging away on the keyboard in the hope that I can tire myself out before my alarm goes of at 6am. And at 6am I am sure I am going to feel tired and struggle out of bed.
One comment the other day sticks out to me, made on my FB page. That I don't write with bitterness and anger. I am sure every body has their own perceptions when they read my blog, but I was actually glad to hear that it doesn't come across that way.
I do get angry and bitter, but talk myself out of it. To hold on to any negative feelings about what has happened and what has been done I believe plays into the control aspect of the domestic violence cycle. While I acknowledge those feelings of hate and sadness I try not to hold onto to them for too long. To do so would only continue the cycle of domestic violence we lived with. I believe that my children need to see me move on with my life and not hold such negativity in. Don't get me wrong when face to face with him it is a great internal struggle not to lash out, to blame him for everything. Seeing him are the times I have to use all my self control not to stoop to his level and I can feel the hate is oozing out of me. Oozing hate is no way to keep yourself looking young!!
Mind over matter, that's how I do it. Acknowledge how I feel in the moment and afterwards; right, wrong or indifferent and then find my happy place!
And today my happy place was a block of Cadburys Picnic chocolate. It has been the longest time since I have eaten chocolate and today I made up for that. All it took was 15 minutes in the waiting room to get my eyebrows waxed and BAM, half a block gone. But tomorrow who knows where I will find my happy place and that's what I love about life; you just never know :O)
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