Gosh where to start with this post. I suppose I never really thought much past the hearing, as I was afraid of not getting the outcome I needed. Sitting on the fence thinking I had prepared for the good or the bad. The last 48 hours has been full of intensely mixed emotions. To the point where today all my efforts where on not crying. I described to a friend that I felt functional, it was more like my eyes were leaking and I just couldn't stop them.
Now, I can dig deep and find some reasons to blame for this like; PMT (always a girls best excuse for anything), that fact that I haven't slept more than two hours a night over the last few days or that I had reduced my medication. Or perhaps like it was pointed out to me this evening, years of adversity.
The horizon is beautiful, I get to take my children home, to be back with my friends who I have missed so immensely, spending time with my family again. I have the most stress-free international move imaginable; the warmest welcome back into our family home with my parents, a job which I am so excited to start and the children are all sorted with school and kindergarten.
So why do my eyes keep leaking?
Some people say to me congratulations , you won. I don't feel like I won. Winning would be having had a loving relationship which was a place for children to be nourished and grow with the love of their mum and dad together.
So while there isn't the sense of winning, there are no regrets.
I do however know that I have done the best by my children in the situation we are in, but still there are no winners. There is safety and the hope that I can give them both the up bringing that means that they can go onto to have happy, healthy functional lives; with the ability to maintain positive relationships with others. That I can bring joy into their lives and that the three of us will go on many adventures creating wonderful memories together. The judgement was not only for relocation, it was also for primary custody, dramatically reducing the time spent with him by the DS. I am not a dad. And those are shoes that I can not fill, nor do I want too. I need to focus on being their mum, hoping that I can bring balance into their lives so that they know that while we don't live with a dad, he is there. And within the limits of keeping them safe somehow I will juggle helping them both maintain that connection.
It was a friend who had the privillage yesterday of witnessing the beginning of the meltdown. Perhaps taken unaware by my news firstly, which I then followed up with a torrent of tears (even though they have tried assure me I wasn't a blubbering mess, it sure felt like I was). I made my head hurt by trying to hold them in (the tears), it was an impossible task at times. This friend stayed strong, having been through something similar their words of empathy reached me. Holding me, assuring me that what was happening was the right thing. They knew that while the rest of the world is saying congratulations, you won, that inside I am grieving. Thank you.
And then today, I was scared to even talk to anyone as I knew my bottom lip could drop at anytime and then that was the sure sign the my eyes were going to start leaking again. An excuse I have learnt over the years to try and disguise an ugly crying face is hay-fever. I have no idea if anybody actually believes that but I don't feel like such a dumb-ass for walking around all day with red puffy leaking eyes. I thought about not going to work but knew that I would just lie on the couch and cry all day. So being the sharing caring type I decided to go in and inflict my emotions on everybody else in the office! And while physically present at my desk, I wil admit that not much work actually got completed. I tired ,I really did. But feeling slithgy dehydrated and sleep deprived there was no amount of caffeine that was going to bring me back today. All I can hope for tonight is sleep and hours of it.
So to conclude so that no-one is left worried or concerned; I am back on my full dose of meds, I pride myself on the self awareness that I have about how I feel and I will not hesitate to to ask for help. And while I complain about the amount of tears at the moment you know that I can still smile and laugh.
I am mentally preparing for tomorrow by visualising getting up tomorrow morning, putting my big girls knickers on, listening to Edith Piaf and getting ready for the day ahead. Whatever it plans to throw at me, through tears and possibly snot running down my face, I will kick its arse.
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