As I was driving home after today I decided to count how many counsellors I have seen over the last couple of years. Each number represents a different counselor.
- After he treated a close friend of mine really badly I told him that we needed to go to counselling. We did and after 5 sessions the counselor told us he couldn't help
- Counseling by myself
- Counseling by myself
- Counseling together for a few months and then by myself
- First court ordered counseling - this is the one that the counselor refused to see him again
- Second court ordered counseling with someone new a week after seeing number 5
- Counseling by myself after my stint in the refuge
- Counselling by myself after separation
- Court ordered counseling ... again
- Counseling by myself - didn't go back after she suggested I punch him in the face. I would love too, but it ain't going to help the situation
- Current court ordered counseling
Going forward it is probably going to be easier to give them the link to my blog instead of wasting the better part of the hour giving them the back story.
So my thoughts on counseling? I have seen so many people with varied approaches I am done. If my head is messed up I will sort it out myself. Writing this blog as been far more therapeutic than any of the time I have spent with a counselor. I know when I am not feeling altogether and I have strategies for that. But more often than not, I am happy. I am alive and I am healthy, I have a good job that I love and even though life is more often than not crazy hectic, when I have down time I get bored. As I have said before, my best work is done under pressure for time and resources.
Knowing to surround myself and accept the support of family and friends is also the key, but that hasn't been so easy for me to do. If I didn't tell anyone what was going on, then I didn't have to answer any questions or face the reality of all of it. It was also I didn't think anybody could help me. It felt like such a helpless situation and that there was no way out of it. That even if I did just put the kids in the car and leave, I had no where to go.
I try really hard not to regret anything, because all that I experienced was because I made a decision at that point in life and it felt right. There is no point putting myself through the pain of what if's or I should've. I have two beautiful children, and what ever my path has been to becoming there mother and being the mother I am today, it is a journey worth while. They are the ones that fill my heart with love and joy regardless of what else is going on in my life.
Thursday 27th February
This morning I woke up after a great nights sleep, happy, bubbly and feeling good. I knew I had this appointment and didn't really like the idea of going because I knew there would be a drop. I had no choice though I had to go. I had to sit there and listen to her tell me his side. Bubbling in side with anger I listened. All that she passed on I could relate too . His fears and hesitations about moving. I could relate to this because it is exactly the life he has made me live for the last five years. My response to her was it would be nice if he could recognise that what he has said he is scared of, is what I live every day.
When she asked would I have a session with him in the room, I couldn't talk. Tears welled up and my bottom lip trembled. I have so much anger for him I couldn't stand to listen to one crappy word come out of his mouth about how he is feeling. He has never acknowledge any of the hurt he has caused me and the children. He has never apologised for anything, ever. However he still seeks apologies and understanding from me for how he feels.
And all I feel is that he is a coward. For all his false promises he still can't man up. He would rather make me live this life here away from my family and friends and the city I know. Isolating the children from their extended families and in DD case her father. Because he is scared.
Grow some balls, or here take my big girl panties and put them on. I don't need them anymore, I am strong enough without them now!
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