Parenting through seperation ...

I am no legal expert, however I have spent a fair whack of time in the Family Court.  So if you are reading this and are in a similar situation, please don't take my word for it.  It is important that you at least do your own research.  This is purely an account of my experiences and the things I have learnt along the way.

When parenting while separated a lot of families can come to their own arrangement, and there are others that can't.  I fit in the later group.

When you rely on the court to help in the decision making process there are two different areas, day to day care and guardianship.

Day to day care gives you the responsibility to take care of the child, make decisions about what they are taking to kindergarten for lunch. can they go on that play date while with you and in the case of an emergency make a urgent decision if the other parent can't be contacted.  You are sole charge of the child for the period of time they are with you.

Guardianship relates to decisions that both parents need to make together.  Where will they go to school,  which GP will they see and can they go on a holiday overseas with one of the parents.

It didn't take me long on line to read about the difference and establish a layman's understanding of where guardianship rules the decision versus it being a decision made as part of day to day care.

That said, unfortunately the other parent in this case has struggled with this.  I don't know if it is because of ignorance or honestly not understanding, skipping a little ahead, a judge has now made it very clear to them what the difference is.

It was about November 2012, and DS mentions to me that he loves going to kindy.  I am not sure at first if he is talking about the playgroup his Father takes him to or is he actually attending a kindergarten and i haven't been told.  It was the later, next time I saw his father I asked had he enrolled him in kindergarten and he said he had and that DS had been attending for a few weeks now.

I expressed my frustration in not being told, that I missed out on my son's first day of kindergarten and that I was not included in this guardianship decision.  I asked which kindergarten he was enrolled in, it was about 40 minutes away from where I lived.  It was a struggle to get from his father even what days and times he was going.

I continued to ask DS how it was going and was he making friends.  He seemed to really be enjoying it.  So I did not pursue the fact that I had been excluded from the process, because if he was happy that was ultimately what was most important to me.

It did however make me extremely nervous, that if is father would do this, then what other decisions would he make with out me.

A few weeks before Christmas when DS and I were just generally chit chatting and I asked how kinder was going, he told me he doesn't go anymore.  Daddy had a fight with a lady.  Next time I saw his father I had to ask what the situation was.  I was told that his father felt like he was being bullied by the kindergarten staff so removed DS from going.  Again, I was not told I had to dig for the information, only alerted to the change in circumstances by what a then wee boy was telling me.

Jump to 2013.  It is always in the back of mind that DS needs to be enrolled in kindergarten but I am so nervous about having the conversation with his father, I stay silent.

I get a call one day in April, asking can I meet his father at lunch time to discuss some matters regarding DS.  I agree.  He starts by being nice and friendly, listening to me well.  I am a little suspicious as this is not how it normally goes.  About 20 minutes into the conversation he pulls out a piece of paper.  He it explains it is a pre enrolment form I need to sign for a kindergarten we could place DS in.  I ask for more detail.  Where is it, what days and times.  Again it is in an area not at all close to me, which would make it hard for me to be involved in drop off and pick ups.

I agree to think about it and get back to him.  He then goes onto explain that DS is already attending as part of an induction process, but that the school would not accept his signature alone on the enrolment form.  They were insisting that I had to sign too.

Again, I am caught between a rock and a hard place.  DS is already there, building peer relationships and getting to know the teachers.  How can I refuse, I want the best for DS and is forcing his removal the best thing for him?

There is more, I have to attend a parent night that night to meet the teachers before the school will accept DS as fully enrolled.  What do I do, I feel like I have no choice.  So I go and I sign.

The teachers were lovely and over the next few weeks the kept me informed on how it was going for DS.  Again he seemed to thrive with time with his peers and he loved that the classroom had a turtle.

About four weeks into his time there I get an email from the principle, there are more forms I need to sign and his father is insisting they take the paperwork without my signature.

While many kindergartens and schools will accept enrolments with only one parent signing the forms, it is actually a legal requirement that they have both parents consent.

This is when FIL jumps in to the story.  I have him request to meet me so that I can sign the forms, he has them.  I meet him on my lunch break and read through what they are.  I explain to FIL that this enrolment has been made without my consent as a Guardian of DS.  He tells me he doesn't think that is the case.  As above I sign as DS is there already and I don't want to create anymore chaos in his little life.

By then end of next week DS enrolment has been evoked and he no longer attends that kindergarten.  The principle emails me that after many discussions with DS father and grandfather they have decided due to difficulties in their relationship with his father to take their option to revoke the enrolment.

No one ever contacted me to attend these meetings which where with the school administration, the father and my FIL.  Surely as his mother I hold more weight than his grandfather?  She explains to me that she believes the same but anytime they approached the two of them to include me in the meetings they refused.

DS father and FIL both tell me that again DS father was bullied by the staff, and that they were completely unreasonable when it came to dealing with the father.

I am shocked and I was sad and in disbelieve that my wee little boy has now been expelled as it were from kindergarten because of his fathers behaviour.

I go about looking at kindergartens in my area.  Checking out the hours and the locations.  I want to come up with a short list to offer his father so that we can decide together where he will go.  He needs to be going to kinder, he loves it.

When I rang his father to offer the short list, I was very quickly told that I was not needed in the decision making process and how dare I threaten him.  WTF, what was threatening about giving him a list of kindergartens to consider for DS.  At least I was asking that we do this together.  He hangs up one me, the conversation lasted about one minute.

I give up ...

A few months later DS starts to mention how he is making friends at kindy ...  are you fucking kidding me!  Again!

This has happened at the same time I have made an application to the court to change our parenting arrangement so I can have more control around the care of DS during the days.

At least this time he has put him in a local kindergarten.  I contact them and go into to see them.  I quickly bring them up to speed on the last two kindergartens which apparently his father had not disclosed.  I asked that if they had any problems with his father could they please contact me, as it was uber important that DS not be removed again.

It is now a court order the DS attend this kindergarten and can not be removed.   

Three times my consent has a guardian was ignored.  It made me fell dis empowered as a mother to be purposely excluded from the process, like I was not needed.  That I was not important enough in my sons life to have my say.  It concerns what else will be done in the future without thinking to ask me.

How do you fight that when ultimately the one that will suffer is the child.  I swallow my anger and focus on what is best for DS.  The best I can do is to have a judge put in place the orders needed to protect DS from having this happen again.

DS and I are loving his kindy and I get to drop him off and pick him up two days a week.  I feel safe, albeit because of a court order, that he is going to enjoy his time there and make some wonderful friends.

I am already ready dreading when it will be time to enroll him in school ...