First Post ...

Been thinking about doing this for a while.  Writing a blog, keeping a diary as it were.

Why?  Therapy maybe, get it all out they say,  don't bottle it up I'm told, how do you do it,  I get asked.

I hope also that maybe other women who need help will read this and even if it gives one the slightest amount of courage, I would feel like I helped.

WARNING:  I don't plan on censoring my writing, it will be blunt, honest, full of open wounds and scare tissue.  It will also include the funny day to day challenges that a working single mum faces and the frustrations of a mature student. 

So Mum and Aunties should you choose to read this, you can't say I didn't warn you!!!

I am 37 years old, I am a mum (of 2), I work full-time (looking after a team of 8) and I study part-time.

I am separated from my youngster's father here in New Zealand.  I am originally from Melbourne, Australia as is my eldest child.

A lot has happened over the last several years and to bring this blog up to speed I have decided to write about one current event and one from the past.  I think for the sake of context past experiences need to be shared.

The last week ...

Dear Son, here on referred to as DS, was invited to a birthday party last weekend and he was at his dad's.  I asked four weeks in advance could I pick him up for two hours to take him to the party.  No problem I was told, sounds great!  Plans were made the day before the party that DS would be dropped with me for two hours.  I felt it was safe enough to let DS know that he was going to see me and that we were going to his best buddies birthday party.

An hour before the drop off time I get the first phone call.  I have stolen DS's  underwear apparently (this has actually been going on for months) and his father is refusing to drop DS off until I have returned all said stolen underwear.  I explain that I don't know which underwear he is referring to and if clean underwear is needed then I can certainly assist and hand some over.  No, he insists that it is the underwear that he owns for DS ... I ask can he email me an itemised list of what he believes is missing and I will have a look but in the meantime why doesn't he just accept my offer of any underwear.  The call is going no where so I state that I don't think it matters who bought the underwear as long as DS has clean underwear, I am happy.  And then I hang up.

3 Minutes later, the phone rings again ...

I want my underwear are the first words I hear, I explain again I am not aware that I have any of the underwear he owns, I certainly have plenty of DS's underwear, and once again offer to give him as many pairs as he needs. NO is the response, YOU should know the ones I want, I want them give them too me.  I hang up.

20 Minutes later, the phone rings again ...

This time it is my FIL (father in law), wanting me to hand over DS's passport to him, from our recent trip to visit family in Melbourne (again there is more of a back story to this as well).  I tell him I am not planning on handing back the passport.  This then turns onto a 7 minute phone call were I am told that I am underhanded and dishonest.  Long story short I am told I have destroyed my relationship with FIL.  As soon as I start to express my feelings on the matter, he ends the phone call  and hangs up.  

It is now drop off time for DS and there is no sign of him.  

Ten minutes after agreed drop off time, the phone rings ... 

It is DS's dad, explaining that he does not feel comfortable letting my son see me today.  The first thing I ask is, how does DS feel about not going to his friends party today, the answer was that is not what he is calling about, and asks me what do I have to say about him feeling uncomfortable?  In my head I am thinking WTF?  I am not responsible for your paranoia ... I tell him I have nothing to say.  End of call.

Tears and lots of them.  Sad for DS, sad for DD who is standing there watching me cry and sob.  My head is spinning, and my body is shaking with frustration and anger.  I call my mum.

4th January 2012

I can't remember how it started but I can certainly remember the events that followed.  We were arguing, or he was.  I had reached a point in my life with him where i knew anything I said was useless, so I  just tried to ride the waves of his verbal abuse until he gave up and left me alone.

I know it was in the evening, both the kids were in bed asleep.  He had finished with me and left my bedroom and went to DS's room.  I heard what he was doing and ran after him.  He was often drunk at this time of night so I didn't want him taking DS out of bed.  I wasn't quick enough, he had picked DS up and had him in his arms, he shoved me out of the way as he walked down the hall way.

If he was going to his car the only thing I could think to do was to run up to the drive way and stand in front of his car so that he would have to run me over before I would let him leave with my baby.

As I ran to the drive way I called 111 Police Emergency and explained what had happened.  They asked me to stay on the drive way and that they were sending a car out asap.

When the Police arrived they went down to the house, and found all the doors locked.  DD was still in bed and we all assumed that DS and his father were in the house as well.  The police tried knocking and looking through windows with torches (it was dark now).  But they were getting no response.  We decided to call FIL to see if he would have more luck talking him out of the house.  He came around to try and still no response.  It had now been an hour that I had been locked outside with the Police.

The  officers came to me with an idea, they wanted me to wake DD up and get her to open her bedroom window.  How scary for a little one to wake to someone calling their name from outside their bedroom late at night.  But I did, we needed to get in the house.  She didn't wake up.

Plan B, smash a lounge room window ... that is what we did.  Once in the officer opened the door and they all entered, running through the house with torches and tazer guns out, slamming open doors and waking DD up as they entered her room to check he wasn't in there.  I have apologised and will continue to apologise to her for having to be apart of that.  She should never ever had to experience such a thing.

He and DS are not in the house.  The dog squad is called in, it has now been two hours since I ran up the drive way originally to stop him leaving with my baby.

The dog squad arrive, the house and back yard are swarming with Police and Police dogs.  The dogs trace his sent through our back yard and through the neighbors property and onto our street.  He has driven off in my car with my baby while presumably under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

There is nothing more the Police can do, it is mid-night and they leave.  It is not kidnapping as he is the father and we all live in the same house.  Unless they catch him behind the wheel of the car driving under the influence, there is nothing more that they can do ...

I don't sleep that night, I sit in the arm chair trying to comprehend what happened, wanting my baby back.  I feel like somebody has put a knife through my chest and ripped out my heart.  But I can't fall apart, DD needs me to be strong.  Given all that she saw I do not want her to see me a blithering nonfunctional mess on the floor.  It hurts so much on the inside to feel so sad and angry.

He returned the next day with my baby and we continued living in the same house.  We hadn't shared a bedroom for a very long time.

This was not the first and was not the last time I went though this.  I didn't tell a soul what had happened, I felt so disgusted by it and couldn't possibly tell anybody.

Why was I there, why did I stay?  As I continue to write I will explain as best as I can how it felt and why I was stuck.


Back to now, I can hear a WWE match happening in the lounge below me and I don't think it is going well.  The screams aren't of fun anymore so time to go break them up and send them to their corners to chill out.

Thanks for reading ... love and light ...  hugs and smiles