It is also a scary post because there are not many people that know about this (not even my mum) and it was not my finest hour. You know who you are lovely lady (LL), but I wont name you here.
LL and I had lunch the other day and chatted about how on the day there were lots of tears (she cried with me) but now when we bring it up we giggle. I asked her opinion of posting this and her reaction was 'Fuck yeah, it's funny ... now'. She doesn't often get calls from her friends telling her that they have just been arrested!
So while this was pretty intense I do think back about it now and have to giggle because it was just so extremely unreal ... so please if you can ... see the funny side. You know me, a lot of you very well. And as you know I am not in that situation anymore. This is no longer a risk or a danger for me.
Below is a link to some of the music I listen to when I write my blog, won't be everyone's taste (maybe a little full on for the older generation ;O) ). But I like the idea that it is not just my words that you can experience. I can invite you in to know me a little better. I have kept my distance from the world for a very long time (years), and now I don't want to hide anymore. I am me and I am proud of who I am:
I have spent a bit of time considering if I would share this one and as you can tell I have decided too. The reason being that while these were my actions, it was a light bulb moment where i realised that he could cause damage in others way. And from this day I became much wiser and smarter.
And this would be one of the key messages that I would tell any other woman in the same situation.
* deep breath* ... sorry mum that you are going to read this rather than me having told you.
August 2011
I am now working full time. I love going to work because it is an escape. I hate leaving my kids, but we needed money and I needed to regain my sanity. While I enjoyed returning to full time work I still consider it one of the biggest sacrifices that I made. And I still feel like I am making that sacrifice every day. But there are pros and cons, and I do hope I have got the balance right. It also has allowed me to meet some wonderful people and establish some really supportive relationships. I have even had friends/colleagues come wait outside of court in a show of support.
Lets say I describe myself as not a morning person and not a night person. I am good at about mid-day for about an hour, which also happens to be lunch time.
A lot of his attacks where in the morning, when I was trying to leave for work. It was hideous. I would have to leave knowing the kids where upset and would be left with all the horrible things he said to me fresh in their minds. I now had to go into work looking calm, composed and motivate a team of people with my smiley face and positive attitude.
He would often empty the bank account, even though I was earning the salary we were technically living together as a couple and had a joint bank account. There were times where there was no money left to even buy a box of tampons. Although he seemed to have a steady supply of alcohol and hard drives.
I applied and got a credit card. After my stay in the Woman's Refuge I wanted a back up, and it was part of my escape plan. I used the credit card to buy food when needed.
I managed to hide the credit card from him for about five months until this morning. As I was about to walk out the door in the morning, he started asking how I had bought the groceries the day before as it was still a day or two till payday. I told him not to mind, we need groceries so I sorted it out, nothing to stress about. I was trying to keep it calm so that I could get out of the house before it turned into something ugly. I really did try.
I headed for the door, he walks in front of me blocking me. I know if I try to push passed he will claim that I have assaulted him, so I beg him to please move. He doesn't of course. Like the other times he is there in my face, only centimetres away demanding answers but it doesn't matter what I say, nothing will appease him. This won't end well. I tell him about the credit card and he gets real mad!
"You stupid fucking bitch", I am frightened ... I start yelling back. I don't know what I yelled, and it probably didn't make any sense either. It was like releasing a cork from a bottle of bubbles, all my hatred spewing out in incoherent ramble at the top of my voice. The kids would have heard me by now.
For all the times I stay silent, it is the times I lose control that he suddenly changes his demeanour. He starts talking calmly at me like I am a crazy person. Telling me that it is unfair that I do this to our family (me yelling that is). That the children aren't safe around me. This compounds the way I feel and my head feels out of control. I walk out the door. I take about four steps and he is behind me with DS in his arms. I can't remember what he was saying but we all know that it wouldn't have been anything healthy and caring.
He is standing with DS on the deck and I am half way up the path. I can't stand it anymore, I through a tantrum that would impress the wildest of three years olds. I am jumping around like a mad woman screaming, he hurries back inside and locks the door.
I call the Police, and so has he. I want DD out of the house, but of course I can't get in.
I wait and they arrive *sigh*
Two go down to the house and two stay with me. I give the details of what happened. I wait, and normally a polite person I have quite the attitude with the officers. I want them to bring DD up to me and the wont. The other two come up from the house and then all four of them meet half way for a little pow-wow.
This is the fist time I met the Hot Policeman (got to find a silver lining), he comes over to me and asks do I remember throwing anything ... no I say. He tells me that I did. I threw hedge clippers. I tell him I think I am going to be sick. He then goes on to explain that he has to arrest me. That if I don't walk to the car by myself he will cuff me.
I can't remember throwing the hedge clippers, but I have apparently so I think they arrest me for something like assault with a weapon!
At some point, don't remember how but I contacted the LL.
In the back of the Police car I am sobbing, however I do giggle a little bit on reflection of the ride in the car with them.
I am crying and they are trying their hardest not to laugh telling me it will be alright and the three of us are in heavy debate as I think it wont be ok and them trying to explain that this was nothing compared to other things they had seen. They tried to comfort me that they knew him and this wouldn't be happening if I had only thrown something else, something without a blade. I just remember feeling really pissed off at them (and myself) and wanting them to stop talking to me.
So like I mention at the beginning, not my finest moment. An example of where he pushed me to such a point of distress that I can't even remember what I did at the time. And now look where I was. In the back of a Police car under arrest.
At the station they put me in a little locked room and give me a cup of crappy coffee. I am still sobbing. The all seem still to be quite light hearted about it all. I need to go to the toilet and I have to be escorted and she waits right outside the stall. Back to the little room and an officer comes into tell me that LL has arrived and is down stairs waiting for me.
I am moved to an interview room and run through my side of the story while they record it. At the end of the interview they pull out a file, and it is on him. The officer tells me that he knows what happened wasn't intentional on my behalf but that I need to be careful that I don't let him get me in this state again. He tells me from looking at his file that he understands that I have put up with a lot and suggests I get some help to get myself out of the home with the children.
No charges are laid. I am out in less than an hour and LL is there waiting for me. She has taken the day of work and takes for me for a real coffee, then we pick up DD from school and head back to her house.
So that was the first and last time I have ever been arrested. He managed to get me in such a state that I lost control. And my actions are mine and I will own them. What I learnt from then on was not to let him push me there again. Which I was successful at. The result of that was because he never got that reaction out of me again, his attacks started to become more physical.
Now you have finished reading and I hope I haven't traumatised you too much ... if you know me. And please see the funny side, if it helps the police station I was taken to is right opposite my work ...awkward!
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