In the course of time

Life has hit full speed again, juggling kids, work, study and back to court.

So at the end of this week I am back in court. It will be like a preliminary hearing which will set the timetable for what the Judge wants to be able to make a decision.  So certain reports will be done on us and the children.  Also this should result in a date for the final hearing where a decision will be made, I am hoping that this will be no longer than eight weeks away.  So I am feeling OK about this one, but starting to get nervous about the final hearing.  It could take all day and witnesses will be cross examined.

I have to go through all the papers he has filed since I put my application and this makes me feel sick.

Last time I read them, which was also the first time I read them I nearly had a nervous break down.  I couldn't stop crying, shaking and vomiting.  I remember going to bed that night crying and even though I slept a little every time I woke up I would be crying still.  By the morning I had no control of the physical symptoms of the stress I was experiencing. I did my best to get DD off to school with out her having to witness to much of my close call with a breakdown. 

I drove myself straight to the doctors as soon as I could, and as soon as I walked in her office she put her arms around me and passed the box of tissues.  I could hardly speak to tell her what was happening, but I obviously got enough out for her to be able to help me.

She diagnosed it as an acute panic attack and anxiety.  She gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant which I still take at the moment.  It has helped a lot.  I can't afford to stop functioning at this point.  So I take this medication for anxiety and not for depression.  I have had a few smaller panic attacks since but manage to get a grip on myself easier than before.

The idea is that I will take them until I have an answer about the relocation, and once things settle down after that I  will start to reduce my dose and hopefully my need for them.

So you can understand why I am so hesitant to spend my time reading those court documents  again, over and over ,while I write my response to his untruths and unfair opinions of me as a mother to both my children.

I need to keep focused on the end result and ackownledge that the next two months are going to be tough, painful and scary.  But I will focus on the result I want, that the children and I need.  To go home to be with our family and friends.

So once again friends and family,  this is when I need you to send your love and strength our way.  Prayers or positive energy which ever you believe in, it is all needed and I am grateful beyond words for all of the well wishes that you have all sent me so far xxx