Today I had my final court ordered counselling session. This was to work on communication between the two of us. But as I have been refusing to sit in the same room as him, we take it in turns seeing her.
As I was driving home after today I decided to count how many counsellors I have seen over the last couple of years. Each number represents a different counselor.
After he treated a close friend of mine really badly I told him that we needed to go to counselling. We did and after 5 sessions the counselor told us he couldn't help
Counseling by myself
Counseling by myself
Counseling together for a few months and then by myself
First court ordered counseling - this is the one that the counselor refused to see him again
Second court ordered counseling with someone new a week after seeing number 5
Counseling by myself after my stint in the refuge
Counselling by myself after separation
Court ordered counseling ... again
Counseling by myself - didn't go back after she suggested I punch him in the face. I would love too, but it ain't going to help the situation
Current court ordered counseling
Going forward it is probably going to be easier to give them the link to my blog instead of wasting the better part of the hour giving them the back story.
So my thoughts on counseling? I have seen so many people with varied approaches I am done. If my head is messed up I will sort it out myself. Writing this blog as been far more therapeutic than any of the time I have spent with a counselor. I know when I am not feeling altogether and I have strategies for that. But more often than not, I am happy. I am alive and I am healthy, I have a good job that I love and even though life is more often than not crazy hectic, when I have down time I get bored. As I have said before, my best work is done under pressure for time and resources.
Knowing to surround myself and accept the support of family and friends is also the key, but that hasn't been so easy for me to do. If I didn't tell anyone what was going on, then I didn't have to answer any questions or face the reality of all of it. It was also I didn't think anybody could help me. It felt like such a helpless situation and that there was no way out of it. That even if I did just put the kids in the car and leave, I had no where to go. I try really hard not to regret anything, because all that I experienced was because I made a decision at that point in life and it felt right. There is no point putting myself through the pain of what if's or I should've. I have two beautiful children, and what ever my path has been to becoming there mother and being the mother I am today, it is a journey worth while. They are the ones that fill my heart with love and joy regardless of what else is going on in my life.
Thursday 27th February
This morning I woke up after a great nights sleep, happy, bubbly and feeling good. I knew I had this appointment and didn't really like the idea of going because I knew there would be a drop. I had no choice though I had to go. I had to sit there and listen to her tell me his side. Bubbling in side with anger I listened. All that she passed on I could relate too . His fears and hesitations about moving. I could relate to this because it is exactly the life he has made me live for the last five years. My response to her was it would be nice if he could recognise that what he has said he is scared of, is what I live every day.
When she asked would I have a session with him in the room, I couldn't talk. Tears welled up and my bottom lip trembled. I have so much anger for him I couldn't stand to listen to one crappy word come out of his mouth about how he is feeling. He has never acknowledge any of the hurt he has caused me and the children. He has never apologised for anything, ever. However he still seeks apologies and understanding from me for how he feels.
And all I feel is that he is a coward. For all his false promises he still can't man up. He would rather make me live this life here away from my family and friends and the city I know. Isolating the children from their extended families and in DD case her father. Because he is scared.
Grow some balls, or here take my big girl panties and put them on. I don't need them anymore, I am strong enough without them now!
He's gone. This is it, what I have wanted for the longest time. However there is no feeling of relief. I am constantly checking that the doors are locked and keep the curtains drawn.
There is a warrant for his arrest but the Police can't find him. They call me a couple of times a day to see if I have heard from him.
He smashed my phone and I have a spare but it is flat and my charger is at work. It is Saturday morning and I get the kids ready to get in the car. Once we get up to the drive way I remember I left my car down by the bus stop. About a 10 minute walk. So off we go, DS wont walk so I carry him. We get to the car and I get everybody in and buckled up. I go to start the car and it wont. It is not even turning over ... this is all I need. My car is old but reliable and it has never not started before. I pop the bonnet not really knowing what I am looking for but something I might notice as wrong. I start to cry. I hadn't cried at all through the night before but this was the straw. An old man came out of his house to see if he could help. But I told him I don't think there is anything either of us can do. The walk back home is going to be all up hill and I just don't have it in me to carry DS all the way home. I ask the old man if he can drive us and he kindly does. Me a crying mess in his front seat.
I couldn't call anybody because I didn't have a working phone. I was so angry at him right then. On the side of the road feeling completely helpless and this is not hurting me it is hurting the children as well. I call FIL, I don't know how much he knows but he seems to know some of what had happened the night before but I didn't call to discuss that with him. My suspicion is that he has done something to the car and I tell FIL this. FIL says he will go and have a look at the car and get back to me. About thirty minutes later he calls and says he can't see anything wrong with it but he also can't get it to start.
FIL pays for a taxi for me to go into work to get my charger. I leave him with strict instruction not to let him in the house or near the children. That there is a warrant for his arrest and that if he helps him in anyway I will lay a complaint with the Police.
I get back home about half an hour later and FIL informs me that he will go get my car and bring it home for me. I ask him how as neither of us have been able to get it started. He replies that he just has a feeling now that it will start. A feeling my arse, he has spoken with his son and he has somehow managed to fix what he broke.
Sure enough the car starts and is working again. Two years later and he still has the spare key but wont give it back.
Given it is a Saturday there is not much I can do to get organised for the week/s ahead. I need to get a lawyer and file for protection, furniture, property and care orders first thing. I need to organise care for the children so I can go to work. I don't know how much time I am going to need off work to sort all this out.
I feel nervous all the time, trying to keep it together for the kids. I feel lonely and scared. Overwhelmed by the largeness of it all. Wanting to feel relief but he is still a wild card , nothing stopping him coming back.
On the Monday morning I manage to get DD into the holiday program that day, which means she can get of the house and doesn't have to sit around listening to me on the phone all day.
I have called work and told my manager what is happening and as always he is amazing supportive and tells me not to worry about them and take the time I need. I get an email later from him in the day offering me a weeks paid special leave.
I manage to also find a care facility for DS that has a full time space and we go and visit that afternoon. We come up with the plan to integrate him over the week while i am not at work so he would start full time the following week. I feel sorry for the little dude as he had never been in that environment before.
So by the end of Monday I have care sorted for the kids and know I will be back at work the following week. I still need a lawyer and to get all the orders filed. The police are still trying to find him to arrest him.
Tuesday and he calls me, he wants to come to the house to talk. I tell him that is fine I have to go out for a little bit but if I am not there when he gets there I won't be far away. I put DS in the car and leave. I stop down the road a bit and call the Police to let them know he will be at the house soon. They arrive five mintues later and tell me to wait in the car where I am.
I keep an eye on the rear vision mirror and it only takes a couple of minutes before the Police car comes down the road and past me, with him in the back.
He was charged with assault and wilful damage (breaking my phone) and plead not guilty. He of course was out on bail and was not allowed to make contact with me. The most peaceful months I had had in the longest time. He dragged his court process out for a few months by continuing to plead not guilty. Because this was his plea I was called as a witness. I was there to hear a conversation between him and his lawyer where it was explained to him that the court would not take it lightly that he was going to push this to the point where I would be put on the stand. But he never cares about anybody else but himself. He went through three lawyers, they all dropped him as a client. In the end his Daddy (FIL) paid big bucks to have him represented by a Queens Council, who walked into the court and plead him guilty. Done. I didn't have to be a witness any longer. As it was his first offence there was no conviction.
I had an awesome day at work, half my meetings got cancelled which meant I actually got to do something productive. Well it felt more productive than sitting in meetings all day does.
Big spreadsheets with thousands of lines of data. Sorting it, turning it into pivot tables and analysing the results. Having my two screens jammed packed with sessions and actually finishing what I started. Getting my inbox down from 7000 messages to just 60. The mailbox cleanup was forced upon me as I had reached my storage limit and couldn't send or receive anymore emails. I was also able to answer my phone! Sad I know, but I love the people I work with and it is probably one of the things that has kept me sane over the last few years and today it was just a real buzz to get my hands dirty. Recently it has been so busy that I just wasn't getting a chance to enjoy it. I felt like I wasn't doing my job probably and mistakes were being made. But today I managed to catch up and start some projects I have been wanting to do for months. However, I do wonder if it is the calm before the storm ... but hey I am on annual leave from Friday so not my problem! This will be the first time I am away through end of month. It will be interesting to see what I come back too.
I have an awesome team who constantly keep me entertained, and can take a telling off when needed as well. Some of the things we discussed today:
That single females with short hair will never find a boyfriend. I didn't agree with that. The team was divided.
That sesame crackers are better than salada crackers, but neither are as good as cheds.
I explained to them what a chocolate ripple cake is - they had never heard of it.
Are Australian Twisties better than Kiwi Twisties - Australian Twisties are better.
What we would all do if we each won $12 million dollars. Some were investing it and I was going to buy my own tropical island.
Whether one of the guys should ask the new hot girl down the other end of the floor out on a date. I suggested that he wouldn't want to do that and that I didn't think she was that hot actually.
Someone suggested that my top made me look like Denise the Menace. Some thought so and others thought it made me look like Freddie Cruger or Kurt Cobain!! They even emailed pictures to each other to add weight to their argument.
Should you ever question your own stupidity aloud outside of your head ... in most cases no you shouldn't
And how do you end such a lovely day with your colleagues, you find left over cake in the tea room at 4.28pm. Enough for us all to have a piece.
My dearest friend always tells me every time I mention going home (returning to NZ) that I am going back there, that here (Melbourne) is home.
At the end of the week I am going home with DD. We are visiting for about a week. DS isn 't coming as getting permission is often difficult and expensive, as I have to use lawyers to do it. It always makes me sad when I go home with out him. I have only ever taken him for a visit home twice and will be working on that becoming more frequent this year. It is always a bitter sweet trip, it goes too fast and I just adore spending time with everybody. It also makes me realise all that I miss out on not being there, and that makes me sad. Knowing that I have to come back here can at times hang like a grey cloud over the happiness of the trip. Although I fight really hard not to let it.
There are always the post trip blues, the sudden drop from the joy of being so close to everybody that I love and I want to be near. To being back in this windy shitty city. Not able to just go pop around and visit some babies. I am lucky that we have things like the internet; skype, facebook and my blog even. It does help me feel like I am not to far away. I don't want this to come across as a woe is me post; I am excited. And it will be awesome and I will relish every minute I spend with everybody. I will spend sometime visiting my favourite places like Healesville, which has the best bakery in the world. And to get there you have to drive past the wineries and if you are early enough you will see the hot air balloons taking off.
I will eat too much and if my mum and sister have their way I will also drink to much. Or sit back and watch them drink too much, either way it will be fun! Watching the kids play together, sometimes happily, sometimes not. And nothing beats a home cooked meal from your parents.
I can't wait to see my nieces
who grow bigger every time I see them and are the most beautiful girls
in the world, and I can't wait to get back for good so I can watch them
grow up. I will spend time with my most favourite and closest of friends and her family ... I love these guys till my heart bursts. Both her and her husband have been an unconditional source of love and support for me. Her saying all the swear words I bottle up inside while we drink very vanilla chillers at the shopping centre and he makes things feel better with an extra large meat lovers pizza with BBQ sauce washed down with liters of Pepsi, followed by chocolate chip cookie chasers ( xxx) . She gets me, we think the same and it's not often that you get to have somebody in your life that thinks the same as you. It makes conversations easier (and extremely funny) and when she gives me advice I take it, because I know she knows.
I love the gum trees and the sounds of the birds in the morning. I love that there is no wind! I love the local shopping centre with coffee and donuts. I love the smell of my dad's garage and the crunchy freshness of a bed made by my mum. I love walking outside in the morning in bare feet and even though the sun isn't fully up yet the ground is warm (in summer that is). I love Target. I love driving through the main street of the town I grew up in, even though it gets a bad rap every now and then. I can't wait to get home.
So just jumping in with another post, between Friday 13th Part 1(posted) and Part 2 still too come.
I don't sleep ...
Wish I could, I feel tired both physically and mentally however sleep eludes me. I have sleep envy. At night I tip toe around the house hearing the little snorts and snuffles from DD and DS and wish I could be asleep too. I never go as far as to actually do anything productive through out the night. I normally lie here and listen to music and daydream about being asleep and feeling refreshed in the morning.
I have tried exercising more, which has been a great benefit to my weight loss, but hasn't helped me sleep. I have tried herbal teas, drop and tablets ... nothing no sleep. I even got as desperate as to buy a bottle of Gin to see if a nightcap would do the trick. I can't even Nana nap these days either. Again I want to, but I close my eyes and nothing happens.
It has been this way for about 12 months. And I can't stand it anymore. So I figured I had really tried by myself it was time to see the GP. I did and I walked away and picked up my prescription. They are not for me to take every night, just occasionally when I need to catch up. So last night was the first night. Everyone else was tucked up in bed asleep. I felt nervous taking one because I didn't know how they were going to effect me and I am the only grown up in the house. But I needed some sleep.
So I wash it down with some water, got into my PJs and jumped into bed. No music, no lights and no DS in my bed. And I fall asleep. YAY ... not! 3 hours later and I am awake F%#K.
Please tell me I am not the only person who can take a sleeping pill and not sleep? But is there anything left to try?
Update
7.50am Sunday morning. I decide to take one more (the prescribed dose) last night. To see if it would have the same effect as the night before ... yep. So it makes me fall asleep quickly but I am still not staying asleep.
Don't panic Google medics, I wont be trying again for a little while. I will spend my nights writing my blog and listening to music. Imagining what it is like to sleep peacefully and feel rested. As well as taking the opportunity to Google remedies for this super annoying condition. I figure this is insomnia.
I have received a few messages through out the week asking why I hadn't posted anything for a wee while. The messages were more about asking was I ok rather than looking for the next instalment.
As I explained to those friends, I was just having a small moment of self doubt about whether I am doing the right thing putting this all out there. As well as life happens too, busy and tired.
So this post will be about the moment we stopped living together. The fuckedupness will continue for many years to come, but at least now the children and myself don't have to live with it 24/7.
April 2012
When I think back it feels like these were an EPIC couple of weeks. It started with a letter sent to me from CYFS. They had been to the house and he had refused to talk to them. So the letter was asking that I contact them, which I did immediately. I made a time to go and see them with in a couple of days.
CYFS, is the child protection agency here in New Zealand. Given all the times the police were called they were now wanting to get involved.
I went and meet with the case manager on my lunch break. She wanted to meet with DD, so I agreed and we made a time. When I got home I told him about the appointment and that it was for DD to talk with them. The plan was that he would drop DD off with me to take to their office, then he would come back and pick us up.
And like most of the arrangements I make with him, it didn't go to plan. He decided to come along and refused CYFS to meet with DD alone. My thoughts were that DD had the right to explain how she felt and I was comfortable with her being interviewed with out me. He did not feel the same and pushed his way into the meeting room, which meant that it was pretty much a void event. DD wasn't going to talk with him in there.
They call me the next day and ask me to come back in and I do. They ask can they also invite my support lady from Woman's Refuge and I agree.
The meeting goes for an hour and it is more like an intervention, not that I have been the subject of an intervention before. They are pleading for me to leave the home with the children. I am a mess. And I have to go back to work when it is all finished. Hay fever is an excuse I used a lot as to why my eyes where all red and puffy. I can remember it was school holidays at the time. And I can remember it was a Friday. It must have been about 9 o'clock in the evening and the children were in bed asleep. At all times I had a phone in my pocket and a spare key as well. I never felt comfortable and like I always had to be ready to fight. He comes past and starts complaining that I don't show him enough affection and never want to have sex with him. And that I should, that is a wife's duty to her husband. I ask him can we talk about this another time, it is the end of the week and I am tired. That I don't want this turn into something ugly. I tell him that I have heard him and understand that this is an issue he needs to discuss but I don't think now is the right time. He seems to be agreeing to this, but in a split second this reason is gone. He is demanding that I prove my love for him by going to bed with him. I am telling him that isn't going to happen. I am hurt and don't trust him. So have no desire to be intimate with him. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know why I feel hurt and don't trust him. He is telling me that I make all these things up in my head, and he hasn't done anything ever to hurt me. That I need to get a grip on reality. He takes a step closer, I take a step back. He yells at me not to move, he steps into me again and my auto pilot reaction is to step back. He lunges forward and has me by my shoulders, he pushes me against the wall. My arms are pinned there with all of his weight. I ask him calmly to let me go, let me go now and this doesn't have to happen like this. But he doesn't he pushes me into the wall more. I close my eyes, and he is screaming in my face. Screaming at me to love him, to open my eyes and to stop making up these imaginary scenes of him abusing me. All I can do is be held there every time I struggle he pushes me harder into the wall. His fingers digging into my arms. My ears ringing with the sound of his voice. I can out wait him. Eyes closed trying to find another place to be in my head. After what seems like a few minutes he lets go and stand back. I tell him calmly that I am going to my bedroom, please don't follow me and this will be the end of this. As I walk through my bedroom door I throw my phone of the bed and sit down. He rushes in and grabs the phone and smashes it to pieces. The first thing I do is go to DS bedroom door and stand in front of it. There is now way that I am going to let anything like that happen again. He walks past me and up the hall way. I follow him, and ask him to leave. He is refusing, so I pick up the land line phone and call the police. As soon as he realises what I am doing he runs out the door and drives away. They Police arrive - the hot one again. The female officers wants to check me for marks so we go to the bedroom and I take my tops off. I have bruises down my back and arms. She takes photo's. I give my statement and they ask do I want to lay charges and I say yes.
What I have written so far is the big stuff, and there are still a few more of those stories to go. But there is a whole lot of crap in between these times as well.
A few people of asked me about the acronyms I use:
DS - dear son DD - dear daughter FIL - father in law LL - one of my awesome friends PSO - Police Safety Order
The Rubbish There was this one time ... (at band camp - sorry couldn't help myself!) ... I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he comes in and dumps a whole heap of garbage on the floor. I ask him what is he doing? He tells me I put rubbish in the recycling and gives me a lecture about doing so. Then he walks out ... I glance at the pile and it's not our rubbish or recycling. I gather it up into a bag and go to put it outside by the kitchen door and then he is back. I turn to come inside again and he grabs me by my shoulders and pushes me to turn me around. He is yelling at me to look at the bag and that it is rubbish not recycling. I am trying to explain to him that it doesn't belong to us, somebody else must have put it in our bin. I twist away from him and dart under his arm to get back inside, I have to push past him to get in. For me now this is normal, and as I no longer let him push me to a point of insanity I just get back to cooking dinner. About 10 minutes later the Police knock at the door, he has called them and told them that I have assaulted him. I explain what happened and long story short he was issued with a Police Safety Order for 24 hours. Which meant he had to leave and not come back until the next day. The Laptop I was sitting in the lounge room working on an assignment and he walked past and told me he was going out. I acknowledge this with an "ok". He comes back from the door and pushes the lid of my laptop down and demands that I pay attention to him. Apparently I am not showing him enough interest or love. That studying is more important to me than him. I ask him to take his hands away. Of course he wont. So I just sit there, I don't say a word, I wait it out. He eventually gives up and walks out. I get back to my assignment and then I hear footsteps on the back deck. I turn around and who should I see but Hot Policeman and co. I am really shocked to see them. I let them in and again he has called the police telling them I was in a rage and he didn't know what to do and was worried for the safety of the children and himself. They can see that I am calm and not sure why they are there. Again he is issued a PSO and has to leave the property for 24 hours. The door I wake up to all the lights are on and I can hear him thumping around in the kitchen. It is quite late about 11ish. The kids are in bed asleep so I get up to close the hallway door so that he doesn't wake them up. I quietly creep up the hallway and start to close the door. Next things he has flung the door open and my hand is stuck on the handle push up against the wall as is my arm. He has his all his weight on the door keeping it open with half of me jammed between the two as well. He starts screaming in my ear ... can't quite recall the words but there was a lot of F words and bitch this and that. He is so close to my ear that it hurts and my ears start ringing. He lets go at some point. I call FIL instead of the Police and he tells me not to call them. I get up the next morning and my upper arm and hand are bruised. Later that evening I go to show him what he has done. And he refuses to look at me ... he has denied that this ever happened quite a few times. But LL has seen the bruises, I know I didn't imagine it. The morning at work I get to work early, and he calls. It is about 7am. He has the kids in the car with him and they are outside my office. He tells me I have don't come down to the street he is going to come up. I go down. Again it is all about him, he goes to put his hands on my shoulders and I step back. I tell him not to touch me. He grabs my shoulders and shoves me up against the wall in full view of the kids in the car. There is a delivery van there and the guys comes over and tells him to let me go, that he heard me tell him not to touch me. He lets go and I run across the road to the Police Station. He drives off with the children. The one thing I am thankful for is that it was so early that nobody that work with saw what happened. But the kids did.
Between October 2010 and April 2012 I think there were 15 or 16 police call outs. Each resulting in a report to CFYS - Child, Youth and Family Services. Numerous PSO's for him and a whole lot of fuckedupness for me and the kids.
Ok so while i have named this 'Scary post' ... don't be too scared. It is more that this was a really scary day for me and for the longest time every time I thought about it my chest would tighten and I thought I was going to puke.
It is also a scary post because there are not many people that know about this (not even my mum) and it was not my finest hour. You know who you are lovely lady (LL), but I wont name you here.
LL and I had lunch the other day and chatted about how on the day there were lots of tears (she cried with me) but now when we bring it up we giggle. I asked her opinion of posting this and her reaction was 'Fuck yeah, it's funny ... now'. She doesn't often get calls from her friends telling her that they have just been arrested!
So while this was pretty intense I do think back about it now and have to giggle because it was just so extremely unreal ... so please if you can ... see the funny side. You know me, a lot of you very well. And as you know I am not in that situation anymore. This is no longer a risk or a danger for me.
Below is a link to some of the music I listen to when I write my blog, won't be everyone's taste (maybe a little full on for the older generation ;O) ). But I like the idea that it is not just my words that you can experience. I can invite you in to know me a little better. I have kept my distance from the world for a very long time (years), and now I don't want to hide anymore. I am me and I am proud of who I am:
I have spent a bit of time considering if I would share this one and as you can tell I have decided too. The reason being that while these were my actions, it was a light bulb moment where i realised that he could cause damage in others way. And from this day I became much wiser and smarter.
And this would be one of the key messages that I would tell any other woman in the same situation.
* deep breath* ... sorry mum that you are going to read this rather than me having told you.
August 2011
I am now working full time. I love going to work because it is an escape. I hate leaving my kids, but we needed money and I needed to regain my sanity. While I enjoyed returning to full time work I still consider it one of the biggest sacrifices that I made. And I still feel like I am making that sacrifice every day. But there are pros and cons, and I do hope I have got the balance right. It also has allowed me to meet some wonderful people and establish some really supportive relationships. I have even had friends/colleagues come wait outside of court in a show of support. Lets say I describe myself as not a morning person and not a night person. I am good at about mid-day for about an hour, which also happens to be lunch time. A lot of his attacks where in the morning, when I was trying to leave for work. It was hideous. I would have to leave knowing the kids where upset and would be left with all the horrible things he said to me fresh in their minds. I now had to go into work looking calm, composed and motivate a team of people with my smiley face and positive attitude. He would often empty the bank account, even though I was earning the salary we were technically living together as a couple and had a joint bank account. There were times where there was no money left to even buy a box of tampons. Although he seemed to have a steady supply of alcohol and hard drives. I applied and got a credit card. After my stay in the Woman's Refuge I wanted a back up, and it was part of my escape plan. I used the credit card to buy food when needed. I managed to hide the credit card from him for about five months until this morning. As I was about to walk out the door in the morning, he started asking how I had bought the groceries the day before as it was still a day or two till payday. I told him not to mind, we need groceries so I sorted it out, nothing to stress about. I was trying to keep it calm so that I could get out of the house before it turned into something ugly. I really did try. I headed for the door, he walks in front of me blocking me. I know if I try to push passed he will claim that I have assaulted him, so I beg him to please move. He doesn't of course. Like the other times he is there in my face, only centimetres away demanding answers but it doesn't matter what I say, nothing will appease him. This won't end well. I tell him about the credit card and he gets real mad! "You stupid fucking bitch", I am frightened ... I start yelling back. I don't know what I yelled, and it probably didn't make any sense either. It was like releasing a cork from a bottle of bubbles, all my hatred spewing out in incoherent ramble at the top of my voice. The kids would have heard me by now. For all the times I stay silent, it is the times I lose control that he suddenly changes his demeanour. He starts talking calmly at me like I am a crazy person. Telling me that it is unfair that I do this to our family (me yelling that is). That the children aren't safe around me. This compounds the way I feel and my head feels out of control. I walk out the door. I take about four steps and he is behind me with DS in his arms. I can't remember what he was saying but we all know that it wouldn't have been anything healthy and caring.
He is standing with DS on the deck and I am half way up the path. I can't stand it anymore, I through a tantrum that would impress the wildest of three years olds. I am jumping around like a mad woman screaming, he hurries back inside and locks the door.
I call the Police, and so has he. I want DD out of the house, but of course I can't get in.
I wait and they arrive *sigh*
Two go down to the house and two stay with me. I give the details of what happened. I wait, and normally a polite person I have quite the attitude with the officers. I want them to bring DD up to me and the wont. The other two come up from the house and then all four of them meet half way for a little pow-wow.
This is the fist time I met the Hot Policeman (got to find a silver lining), he comes over to me and asks do I remember throwing anything ... no I say. He tells me that I did. I threw hedge clippers. I tell him I think I am going to be sick. He then goes on to explain that he has to arrest me. That if I don't walk to the car by myself he will cuff me.
I can't remember throwing the hedge clippers, but I have apparently so I think they arrest me for something like assault with a weapon!
At some point, don't remember how but I contacted the LL.
In the back of the Police car I am sobbing, however I do giggle a little bit on reflection of the ride in the car with them.
I am crying and they are trying their hardest not to laugh telling me it will be alright and the three of us are in heavy debate as I think it wont be ok and them trying to explain that this was nothing compared to other things they had seen. They tried to comfort me that they knew him and this wouldn't be happening if I had only thrown something else, something without a blade. I just remember feeling really pissed off at them (and myself) and wanting them to stop talking to me.
So like I mention at the beginning, not my finest moment. An example of where he pushed me to such a point of distress that I can't even remember what I did at the time. And now look where I was. In the back of a Police car under arrest.
At the station they put me in a little locked room and give me a cup of crappy coffee. I am still sobbing. The all seem still to be quite light hearted about it all. I need to go to the toilet and I have to be escorted and she waits right outside the stall. Back to the little room and an officer comes into tell me that LL has arrived and is down stairs waiting for me.
I am moved to an interview room and run through my side of the story while they record it. At the end of the interview they pull out a file, and it is on him. The officer tells me that he knows what happened wasn't intentional on my behalf but that I need to be careful that I don't let him get me in this state again. He tells me from looking at his file that he understands that I have put up with a lot and suggests I get some help to get myself out of the home with the children. No charges are laid. I am out in less than an hour and LL is there waiting for me. She has taken the day of work and takes for me for a real coffee, then we pick up DD from school and head back to her house.
So that was the first and last time I have ever been arrested. He managed to get me in such a state that I lost control. And my actions are mine and I will own them. What I learnt from then on was not to let him push me there again. Which I was successful at. The result of that was because he never got that reaction out of me again, his attacks started to become more physical.
Now you have finished reading and I hope I haven't traumatised you too much ... if you know me. And please see the funny side, if it helps the police station I was taken to is right opposite my work ...awkward!
Why can't the universe space events out a little more for me ... lucky my best work is done when I am under pressure!
So Monday morning pick up I thought was going well, said good bye to my boy, packed some undies in his bag ( LOL) and off he went. About 30 seconds later he is knocking at the door. Dam! I take a big breath and open it. He has a little package in his hand which he wants to give to DD. I tell no thank you, no gifts are wanted from him. I go to close the door and he has hold of the handle and wont let go. He is trying to push it open wider. I ask him again to let go so I can close the door. He starts yelling DD name - loudly. Poor kid ignores him. DD is in the other room and I can see my cell phone on the table. I normally have it on me when I know he is going to be around. I ask her calmly to bring it to me while I use my strength to stop him opening the door any further. Once I have my phone he mumbles and grunts and walks away.
I walk into the lounge room and DD first words to me are "What an idiot". Yep babe you hit the nail on the head.
Today
I get an email from DS lawyer, it is a letter outlining a few things. But the one that sticks out is that FIL has contacted her regarding his concerns around how I and him are arguing at the moment. And that I didn't hand the passport back to him but I did instead give it to the lawyer to keep in her safe.
Firstly I am not arguing, I am however being harassed and intimidated. And the passport, I don't want him to keep and he doesn't want me to keep. I think what I have done is completely reasonable in handing it to a third party who represents DS. Angry!
Then I go to pick DS up from kinder this afternoon. Before I have even got through the door they have pulled me aside. DS has been very angry yesterday and today. He told them that Daddy told him he didn't want him anymore and that he can stay with Mummy all the time. And that Daddy had a fight with the man because of money, and now they are going to have to move.
My heart hurts for the little guy. Even if they weren't the words that were used something has happened with his Dad. And if I had my way he would be with me every day and night.
As for the man and the money. He has moved 7 times in the last 12 months. From his own flat to share accommodation, to a back packers and even a stint living out of his car and a trailer. He moved a few weeks ago again and I am thinking he is not getting along with the new flat mates. He never tells me any of this I always find out from DS and then I have to ask him. DS tells me I never push him for information.
I have expressed my concerns to the court that I don't think share accommodation is suitable for a little person and also advised them as soon as I knew that he was homeless. Still late last year a Judge decided to split the day to Day care 50/50. *slaps forehead*
He never gets along with anyone. He has trespass notices against him at two major retailers in our area and also at WINZ ( Aussie translation - Centrelink). He needs to use an advocacy group to help him contact them on his behalf. They are now refusing to help him. By the way if you hadn't guessed he is unemployed and never really has held down a job for longer than a couple of months.
I don't know what to do with this new information yet. I will let it digest over night and figure something out. *sigh*
When I look back, I think the worst of it started after DS was born. I was vulnerable and he took advantage of that.
Instead of having a partner that helped and supported me through my pregnancy and the birth of my son, long nights and breastfeeding, I had a partner very much focused on himself. Who added more stress to a situation that didn't need it.
I do get asked why? Why was I with him and why did I have a baby. Most of you know me to be a pretty smart lady, if I had known that this was how it was going to turn out I would have turned around and run a mile.
I was a hopeless romantic. All I ever wanted was the white picket fence with lots of children and a partner who I trusted and loved, a team! A lot of the grief I have felt has been over the lose of that dream. My children will never know what it is like to have a family unit with both parents working together. I have never gotten to experience parenthood shared with somebody else. It has always been by myself. Who will I share those memories with as my children grow up, as I am the only keeper of those memories.
This used to make me terribly sad, but not so much these days. My two children are my world, and the three of us are a special little unit. A mix match of surnames and different schedules. We get time together, we get one on one time and we get time apart. It is who we are, the three of us. Along with all the normal guilt and fears as a parent, I do hope that my children will grow up and have healthy relationships. I hope that I haven't damaged them.
Being a first time mum with DD, I think I was highly strung and everything was about the routine. I was frightened and shocked by motherhood. When I had DS I was far more relaxed and just being aware of the challenges like breastfeeding made me so more comfortable with my little man. Despite of all the domestic issues in that first year, I do look back and the good times where being a mum!
Like all the stories I tell, I can never remember what the reason was for how they started, but I do still clearly remember the events that follow.
October 2010
I was lying in bed, with DS, as he slept with me at nights and I nursed him as he demanded through out the night. It was the only way I got any sleep! He walks in and he is yelling at me. What was a peaceful moment feeding my baby is now a hostile one full of anger and accusations. I get up and take DS to change his nappy. As I walk down the hall I am being yelled at. He is standing over me, quite a few inches taller than me. Even as I stand at the change table with the DS he is right up close and yelling. I just want him to leave me alone. I am not even awake enough to comprehend what is happening ... I finish changing DS nappy, I can't remember clearly but I think when I am finished he takes DS from me. I'm now so angry. Most of the time I try not to get worked up, but in the mornings when your head is fussy its hard not to!!!
I walk past him and stick my finger up at him, not wanting to say what I really feel inside, this silent gesture gives me a little relief. The lounge floor is covered in toys and I trip. I bump into to him. "You hit me" he yells ... WTF? Before I know it he has called his father who arrives ten minutes later telling me I have assaulted his son and that he should call the police and child protection services. I am a fucking mess. I didn't hit him. I retreat to the bedroom with DS and DD. I pick up the phone and I call lifeline. I don't know who else to call and I need help.
They put me through the Woman's Refuge and they suggest I get in the car with the children and come to their office. I do. I go over what has happened as well as tell them generally what life is like in our house. This is probably one of the first times that I realise that what is happening is domestic abuse. I always thought domestic abuse was physical and it's not.
The first thing they do is help me come up with a safety plan, which is pretty simple - call the police. I leave with the after hours number, my safety plan and a better understanding of what I am living with. He has gone away for the weekend so I don't have to see him for a few days.
A week or two later, things have gotten pretty bad. I can't do anything without him demanding to know what I was up to and at times following me in his car as I simply go to the supermarket. Sitting in his car watching and waiting. We have had our fist appointment for court assisted counselling which lasted half a session before the counsellor looked at me, saying he could no longer sit their and condone his abusive behaviour. That he would see me again by myself but was refusing to have anymore to do with him. A few days later I had a doctors appointment and he wanted me to leave DS at home. I tell him DS is due for a feed so I will take him with me. He hops in my car and refuses to get out. I can't leave. I call the Police and as soon as he realises what I have done he hops out of the car and runs away, literally runs up the drive way like the coward he is. The Police arrive and take some details. This is the first time that I call the Police, to be able to leave my home for a Doctors appointment. I get to the Doctors and I can't stop crying. I finish at the doctors, who has written in my file the state I was in and why. This was later submitted to court as supporting documentation for my case. I ring the Woman's Refuge and I am given instructions on where to go and what to do next. I arrive there after picking DD up from school with nothing. No clothes, no money and two children. I would never have dreamt or imagined that this would be the only place I had to go. I couldn't stand it. Don't get me wrong it is an invaluable resource that is desperately needed, I am grateful that it was there for me, but I hated it. I felt uncomfortable with the other women and children and I felt even more isolated than I had. I really had no friends in NZ at the time, as I was newish to the country. I lasted three weeks in the refuge. Three weeks of lawyers trying to remove him from the house so the kids and I could return. But he wouldn't budge. I gave up (again) and the kids and I moved back to the house. I was worn out and defeated with no support system close to me.
I am no legal expert, however I have spent a fair whack of time in the Family Court. So if you are reading this and are in a similar situation, please don't take my word for it. It is important that you at least do your own research. This is purely an account of my experiences and the things I have learnt along the way.
When parenting while separated a lot of families can come to their own arrangement, and there are others that can't. I fit in the later group.
When you rely on the court to help in the decision making process there are two different areas, day to day care and guardianship.
Day to day care gives you the responsibility to take care of the child, make decisions about what they are taking to kindergarten for lunch. can they go on that play date while with you and in the case of an emergency make a urgent decision if the other parent can't be contacted. You are sole charge of the child for the period of time they are with you. Guardianship relates to decisions that both parents need to make together. Where will they go to school, which GP will they see and can they go on a holiday overseas with one of the parents. It didn't take me long on line to read about the difference and establish a layman's understanding of where guardianship rules the decision versus it being a decision made as part of day to day care. That said, unfortunately the other parent in this case has struggled with this. I don't know if it is because of ignorance or honestly not understanding, skipping a little ahead, a judge has now made it very clear to them what the difference is. It was about November 2012, and DS mentions to me that he loves going to kindy. I am not sure at first if he is talking about the playgroup his Father takes him to or is he actually attending a kindergarten and i haven't been told. It was the later, next time I saw his father I asked had he enrolled him in kindergarten and he said he had and that DS had been attending for a few weeks now. I expressed my frustration in not being told, that I missed out on my son's first day of kindergarten and that I was not included in this guardianship decision. I asked which kindergarten he was enrolled in, it was about 40 minutes away from where I lived. It was a struggle to get from his father even what days and times he was going. I continued to ask DS how it was going and was he making friends. He seemed to really be enjoying it. So I did not pursue the fact that I had been excluded from the process, because if he was happy that was ultimately what was most important to me. It did however make me extremely nervous, that if is father would do this, then what other decisions would he make with out me.
A few weeks before Christmas when DS and I were just generally chit chatting and I asked how kinder was going, he told me he doesn't go anymore. Daddy had a fight with a lady. Next time I saw his father I had to ask what the situation was. I was told that his father felt like he was being bullied by the kindergarten staff so removed DS from going. Again, I was not told I had to dig for the information, only alerted to the change in circumstances by what a then wee boy was telling me.
Jump to 2013. It is always in the back of mind that DS needs to be enrolled in kindergarten but I am so nervous about having the conversation with his father, I stay silent.
I get a call one day in April, asking can I meet his father at lunch time to discuss some matters regarding DS. I agree. He starts by being nice and friendly, listening to me well. I am a little suspicious as this is not how it normally goes. About 20 minutes into the conversation he pulls out a piece of paper. He it explains it is a pre enrolment form I need to sign for a kindergarten we could place DS in. I ask for more detail. Where is it, what days and times. Again it is in an area not at all close to me, which would make it hard for me to be involved in drop off and pick ups.
I agree to think about it and get back to him. He then goes onto explain that DS is already attending as part of an induction process, but that the school would not accept his signature alone on the enrolment form. They were insisting that I had to sign too.
Again, I am caught between a rock and a hard place. DS is already there, building peer relationships and getting to know the teachers. How can I refuse, I want the best for DS and is forcing his removal the best thing for him?
There is more, I have to attend a parent night that night to meet the teachers before the school will accept DS as fully enrolled. What do I do, I feel like I have no choice. So I go and I sign.
The teachers were lovely and over the next few weeks the kept me informed on how it was going for DS. Again he seemed to thrive with time with his peers and he loved that the classroom had a turtle.
About four weeks into his time there I get an email from the principle, there are more forms I need to sign and his father is insisting they take the paperwork without my signature.
While many kindergartens and schools will accept enrolments with only one parent signing the forms, it is actually a legal requirement that they have both parents consent.
This is when FIL jumps in to the story. I have him request to meet me so that I can sign the forms, he has them. I meet him on my lunch break and read through what they are. I explain to FIL that this enrolment has been made without my consent as a Guardian of DS. He tells me he doesn't think that is the case. As above I sign as DS is there already and I don't want to create anymore chaos in his little life.
By then end of next week DS enrolment has been evoked and he no longer attends that kindergarten. The principle emails me that after many discussions with DS father and grandfather they have decided due to difficulties in their relationship with his father to take their option to revoke the enrolment.
No one ever contacted me to attend these meetings which where with the school administration, the father and my FIL. Surely as his mother I hold more weight than his grandfather? She explains to me that she believes the same but anytime they approached the two of them to include me in the meetings they refused.
DS father and FIL both tell me that again DS father was bullied by the staff, and that they were completely unreasonable when it came to dealing with the father.
I am shocked and I was sad and in disbelieve that my wee little boy has now been expelled as it were from kindergarten because of his fathers behaviour.
I go about looking at kindergartens in my area. Checking out the hours and the locations. I want to come up with a short list to offer his father so that we can decide together where he will go. He needs to be going to kinder, he loves it.
When I rang his father to offer the short list, I was very quickly told that I was not needed in the decision making process and how dare I threaten him. WTF, what was threatening about giving him a list of kindergartens to consider for DS. At least I was asking that we do this together. He hangs up one me, the conversation lasted about one minute.
I give up ...
A few months later DS starts to mention how he is making friends at kindy ... are you fucking kidding me! Again!
This has happened at the same time I have made an application to the court to change our parenting arrangement so I can have more control around the care of DS during the days.
At least this time he has put him in a local kindergarten. I contact them and go into to see them. I quickly bring them up to speed on the last two kindergartens which apparently his father had not disclosed. I asked that if they had any problems with his father could they please contact me, as it was uber important that DS not be removed again.
It is now a court order the DS attend this kindergarten and can not be removed. Three times my consent has a guardian was ignored. It made me fell dis empowered as a mother to be purposely excluded from the process, like I was not needed. That I was not important enough in my sons life to have my say. It concerns what else will be done in the future without thinking to ask me. How do you fight that when ultimately the one that will suffer is the child. I swallow my anger and focus on what is best for DS. The best I can do is to have a judge put in place the orders needed to protect DS from having this happen again.
DS and I are loving his kindy and I get to drop him off and pick him up two days a week. I feel safe, albeit because of a court order, that he is going to enjoy his time there and make some wonderful friends. I am already ready dreading when it will be time to enroll him in school ...
I thought I would continue on from my last post where I mentioned the underwear ... it's OK you can laugh. I have and do.
So for months now every time at pick up and drop off I am asked for the missing/stolen underwear. I really have tried to keep track of the underwear coming in and leaving the house to avoid the issue, however they belong to a little person who still has the odd accident. So I lose track as I wash, dry and put them away.
My point of view is that the kid needs clothes and underwear, and really whether I buy them or his father does, as long as he has clean clothes to put on each day there really shouldn't be any drama.
I have attempted to give back what I think are the missing/stolen items, only to get home later that day to a supermarket bag hanging on my front door with those same items in it. So next time I try a different combination of colours and paterns, will these be the missing/stolen undies, will this combination of undies rid me of having this stupid conversation twice a week? ... nope.
So in the last post I described the phone calls that lead to DS not attending his friends birthday because I wouldn't give the stolen underwear back to his father. That was on the Saturday ...
Monday morning 6.53am I am woken by the phone ringing. I pick up still not awake fully, so I haven't had time to put my helmet and bullet proof jacket on for the day yet. "I want the underwear, I will be there in an hour to pick them up" . I have to presume that was DS Dad, as I haven't had any other complaints about me stealing other peoples underwear.
As I didn't have my helmet on I feel quite shaken up, I don't want him coming here. I don't want DD to have to hear and see this. Will he have DS with him, who will also have to witness this.
I don't know what to do, so decide to get in the shower and calm down. By the time I get out of the shower I still don't know what to do. I don't know what underwear it is that he wants and everything that I offer him is wrong.
I call the local Police station, looking for advice as I just don't want him to come to my house and casue a scene.
I was fortunate to get the most lovely female officer, who quickly let me know that she had been through this sort of thing herself. She said she would take all the details so that if he came and I needed them to come to my house they would have a car waiting.
I then rang my friend and asked could she come and get Hannah, and she made her way over. I was a bundle of nerves. And now was going to be late to work.
Much like this blog, I have decided to just tell the truth, so the text I sent to my manager was that I was running late because I have had to call the police because my ex was coming over uninvited. He replied asking was I ok, and I told him that I would be, just give me an hour.
Anyways, this friend and I hung around my house until about 8.15am when I decided we had waited long enough. I am thinking that he may have driven over and seen her car and decided not to come to the door.
I happen to work pretty close to the Police Station in town, so decided to walk over there before going to the office to let them know that they could close the call as he didn't end up coming to my house.
They insisted on taking a Family Violence Report. So I waited about half an hour to speak with somebody. I don't know if it is sad or funny that I know the local officers by name (because of all the calls I have had to make to them) and was most happy when I got the hot one to take my statement!
He took all the details of the calls I had received over the weekend and even apologised for laughing about the missing/stolen undies saga. As a result of the report, our case will be discussed at their weekly family violence meeting and then I will be contacted by the Woman's Refuge, ladies who I know by name as well. It is the process.
He said he would go out and see DS dad and tell him to get a grip, it is only undies and If I was stealing underwear why I am also offering him underwear. This warning would also be put on record.
Then I cross the road and walk into my office wondering what my colleagues would think if I really told them how I was when they asked me at the coffee machine, an hour late for work and five minutes before starting my day of back to back meetings ...
So long story short, how much tax payer money was wasted over a little boys underwear? I don't actually know but am thinking it was more than it costs to buy a ten pack of undies from K Mart.
Since Monday ... nothing, not a peep. Will it last? Probably not, I am sure next week it will all be about socks!
Been thinking about doing this for a while. Writing a blog, keeping a diary as it were.
Why? Therapy maybe, get it all out they say, don't bottle it up I'm told, how do you do it, I get asked.
I hope also that maybe other women who need help will read this and even if it gives one the slightest amount of courage, I would feel like I helped.
WARNING: I don't plan on censoring my writing, it will be blunt, honest, full of open wounds and scare tissue. It will also include the funny day to day challenges that a working single mum faces and the frustrations of a mature student. So Mum and Aunties should you choose to read this, you can't say I didn't warn you!!!
I am 37 years old, I am a mum (of 2), I work full-time (looking after a team of 8) and I study part-time.
I am separated from my youngster's father here in New Zealand. I am originally from Melbourne, Australia as is my eldest child.
A lot has happened over the last several years and to bring this blog up to speed I have decided to write about one current event and one from the past. I think for the sake of context past experiences need to be shared.
The last week ...
Dear Son, here on referred to as DS, was invited to a birthday party last weekend and he was at his dad's. I asked four weeks in advance could I pick him up for two hours to take him to the party. No problem I was told, sounds great! Plans were made the day before the party that DS would be dropped with me for two hours. I felt it was safe enough to let DS know that he was going to see me and that we were going to his best buddies birthday party.
An hour before the drop off time I get the first phone call. I have stolen DS's underwear apparently (this has actually been going on for months) and his father is refusing to drop DS off until I have returned all said stolen underwear. I explain that I don't know which underwear he is referring to and if clean underwear is needed then I can certainly assist and hand some over. No, he insists that it is the underwear that he owns for DS ... I ask can he email me an itemised list of what he believes is missing and I will have a look but in the meantime why doesn't he just accept my offer of any underwear. The call is going no where so I state that I don't think it matters who bought the underwear as long as DS has clean underwear, I am happy. And then I hang up.
3 Minutes later, the phone rings again ...
I want my underwear are the first words I hear, I explain again I am not aware that I have any of the underwear he owns, I certainly have plenty of DS's underwear, and once again offer to give him as many pairs as he needs. NO is the response, YOU should know the ones I want, I want them give them too me. I hang up.
20 Minutes later, the phone rings again ...
This time it is my FIL (father in law), wanting me to hand over DS's passport to him, from our recent trip to visit family in Melbourne (again there is more of a back story to this as well). I tell him I am not planning on handing back the passport. This then turns onto a 7 minute phone call were I am told that I am underhanded and dishonest. Long story short I am told I have destroyed my relationship with FIL. As soon as I start to express my feelings on the matter, he ends the phone call and hangs up.
It is now drop off time for DS and there is no sign of him.
Ten minutes after agreed drop off time, the phone rings ... It is DS's dad, explaining that he does not feel comfortable letting my son see me today. The first thing I ask is, how does DS feel about not going to his friends party today, the answer was that is not what he is calling about, and asks me what do I have to say about him feeling uncomfortable? In my head I am thinking WTF? I am not responsible for your paranoia ... I tell him I have nothing to say. End of call. Tears and lots of them. Sad for DS, sad for DD who is standing there watching me cry and sob. My head is spinning, and my body is shaking with frustration and anger. I call my mum. 4th January 2012 I can't remember how it started but I can certainly remember the events that followed. We were arguing, or he was. I had reached a point in my life with him where i knew anything I said was useless, so I just tried to ride the waves of his verbal abuse until he gave up and left me alone. I know it was in the evening, both the kids were in bed asleep. He had finished with me and left my bedroom and went to DS's room. I heard what he was doing and ran after him. He was often drunk at this time of night so I didn't want him taking DS out of bed. I wasn't quick enough, he had picked DS up and had him in his arms, he shoved me out of the way as he walked down the hall way. If he was going to his car the only thing I could think to do was to run up to the drive way and stand in front of his car so that he would have to run me over before I would let him leave with my baby. As I ran to the drive way I called 111 Police Emergency and explained what had happened. They asked me to stay on the drive way and that they were sending a car out asap. When the Police arrived they went down to the house, and found all the doors locked. DD was still in bed and we all assumed that DS and his father were in the house as well. The police tried knocking and looking through windows with torches (it was dark now). But they were getting no response. We decided to call FIL to see if he would have more luck talking him out of the house. He came around to try and still no response. It had now been an hour that I had been locked outside with the Police. The officers came to me with an idea, they wanted me to wake DD up and get her to open her bedroom window. How scary for a little one to wake to someone calling their name from outside their bedroom late at night. But I did, we needed to get in the house. She didn't wake up. Plan B, smash a lounge room window ... that is what we did. Once in the officer opened the door and they all entered, running through the house with torches and tazer guns out, slamming open doors and waking DD up as they entered her room to check he wasn't in there. I have apologised and will continue to apologise to her for having to be apart of that. She should never ever had to experience such a thing. He and DS are not in the house. The dog squad is called in, it has now been two hours since I ran up the drive way originally to stop him leaving with my baby. The dog squad arrive, the house and back yard are swarming with Police and Police dogs. The dogs trace his sent through our back yard and through the neighbors property and onto our street. He has driven off in my car with my baby while presumably under the influence of drugs and alcohol.
There is nothing more the Police can do, it is mid-night and they leave. It is not kidnapping as he is the father and we all live in the same house. Unless they catch him behind the wheel of the car driving under the influence, there is nothing more that they can do ...
I don't sleep that night, I sit in the arm chair trying to comprehend what happened, wanting my baby back. I feel like somebody has put a knife through my chest and ripped out my heart. But I can't fall apart, DD needs me to be strong. Given all that she saw I do not want her to see me a blithering nonfunctional mess on the floor. It hurts so much on the inside to feel so sad and angry.
He returned the next day with my baby and we continued living in the same house. We hadn't shared a bedroom for a very long time.
This was not the first and was not the last time I went though this. I didn't tell a soul what had happened, I felt so disgusted by it and couldn't possibly tell anybody.
Why was I there, why did I stay? As I continue to write I will explain as best as I can how it felt and why I was stuck.
Back to now, I can hear a WWE match happening in the lounge below me and I don't think it is going well. The screams aren't of fun anymore so time to go break them up and send them to their corners to chill out.
Thanks for reading ... love and light ... hugs and smiles
