An elusive title perhaps, but the best use of words to express how I feel at the moment., it is indescribable; yet I am going to try. When I feel this way and I write here I often walk away feeling a little clearer and lighter.
I feel it in my heart and in my tummy, and my brain seems to get on board, over thinking how I feel so as to try and find a solution to either enjoy it or stop it..
To the likes of a magic potion where a little bit of this and a little bit of that are thrown together, creating feelings that are both euphoric yet also have me feeling melancholy.
It makes me feel a little like a crazy person, a little whacky. And it makes me feel tired, it wears me out as I try to stablise my inside emotions with how my outside is behaving.
I don't like not knowing how I feel and why, it makes me feel vulnerable. Yet most of the time there is not enough time for me to spend trying to figure it out as my attention is needed elsewhere, on children or work, so I then I just simply put up with how it feels. And it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes it makes me want to run, sometimes it makes me want to sleep. I feel stuck inside myself scratching to get out, and then stuck on the outside wanting to curl up and hide away on the inside.
Sometimes it is painful, and all I want is to escape from it or to dull the intensity of it ...
Yet I am patient, I know it will subside and I will gain control again. Surrounding myself with things that make me happy; my favorite people, music, movies etc.
Friday, 29 August 2014
Tuesday, 26 August 2014
Per ardua ad astra
~ Through adversity to the stars ~
Gosh where to start with this post. I suppose I never really thought much past the hearing, as I was afraid of not getting the outcome I needed. Sitting on the fence thinking I had prepared for the good or the bad. The last 48 hours has been full of intensely mixed emotions. To the point where today all my efforts where on not crying. I described to a friend that I felt functional, it was more like my eyes were leaking and I just couldn't stop them.
Now, I can dig deep and find some reasons to blame for this like; PMT (always a girls best excuse for anything), that fact that I haven't slept more than two hours a night over the last few days or that I had reduced my medication. Or perhaps like it was pointed out to me this evening, years of adversity.
The horizon is beautiful, I get to take my children home, to be back with my friends who I have missed so immensely, spending time with my family again. I have the most stress-free international move imaginable; the warmest welcome back into our family home with my parents, a job which I am so excited to start and the children are all sorted with school and kindergarten.
So why do my eyes keep leaking?
Some people say to me congratulations , you won. I don't feel like I won. Winning would be having had a loving relationship which was a place for children to be nourished and grow with the love of their mum and dad together.
So while there isn't the sense of winning, there are no regrets.
I do however know that I have done the best by my children in the situation we are in, but still there are no winners. There is safety and the hope that I can give them both the up bringing that means that they can go onto to have happy, healthy functional lives; with the ability to maintain positive relationships with others. That I can bring joy into their lives and that the three of us will go on many adventures creating wonderful memories together. The judgement was not only for relocation, it was also for primary custody, dramatically reducing the time spent with him by the DS. I am not a dad. And those are shoes that I can not fill, nor do I want too. I need to focus on being their mum, hoping that I can bring balance into their lives so that they know that while we don't live with a dad, he is there. And within the limits of keeping them safe somehow I will juggle helping them both maintain that connection.
It was a friend who had the privillage yesterday of witnessing the beginning of the meltdown. Perhaps taken unaware by my news firstly, which I then followed up with a torrent of tears (even though they have tried assure me I wasn't a blubbering mess, it sure felt like I was). I made my head hurt by trying to hold them in (the tears), it was an impossible task at times. This friend stayed strong, having been through something similar their words of empathy reached me. Holding me, assuring me that what was happening was the right thing. They knew that while the rest of the world is saying congratulations, you won, that inside I am grieving. Thank you.
And then today, I was scared to even talk to anyone as I knew my bottom lip could drop at anytime and then that was the sure sign the my eyes were going to start leaking again. An excuse I have learnt over the years to try and disguise an ugly crying face is hay-fever. I have no idea if anybody actually believes that but I don't feel like such a dumb-ass for walking around all day with red puffy leaking eyes. I thought about not going to work but knew that I would just lie on the couch and cry all day. So being the sharing caring type I decided to go in and inflict my emotions on everybody else in the office! And while physically present at my desk, I wil admit that not much work actually got completed. I tired ,I really did. But feeling slithgy dehydrated and sleep deprived there was no amount of caffeine that was going to bring me back today. All I can hope for tonight is sleep and hours of it.
So to conclude so that no-one is left worried or concerned; I am back on my full dose of meds, I pride myself on the self awareness that I have about how I feel and I will not hesitate to to ask for help. And while I complain about the amount of tears at the moment you know that I can still smile and laugh.
I am mentally preparing for tomorrow by visualising getting up tomorrow morning, putting my big girls knickers on, listening to Edith Piaf and getting ready for the day ahead. Whatever it plans to throw at me, through tears and possibly snot running down my face, I will kick its arse.
Gosh where to start with this post. I suppose I never really thought much past the hearing, as I was afraid of not getting the outcome I needed. Sitting on the fence thinking I had prepared for the good or the bad. The last 48 hours has been full of intensely mixed emotions. To the point where today all my efforts where on not crying. I described to a friend that I felt functional, it was more like my eyes were leaking and I just couldn't stop them.
Now, I can dig deep and find some reasons to blame for this like; PMT (always a girls best excuse for anything), that fact that I haven't slept more than two hours a night over the last few days or that I had reduced my medication. Or perhaps like it was pointed out to me this evening, years of adversity.
The horizon is beautiful, I get to take my children home, to be back with my friends who I have missed so immensely, spending time with my family again. I have the most stress-free international move imaginable; the warmest welcome back into our family home with my parents, a job which I am so excited to start and the children are all sorted with school and kindergarten.
So why do my eyes keep leaking?
Some people say to me congratulations , you won. I don't feel like I won. Winning would be having had a loving relationship which was a place for children to be nourished and grow with the love of their mum and dad together.
So while there isn't the sense of winning, there are no regrets.
I do however know that I have done the best by my children in the situation we are in, but still there are no winners. There is safety and the hope that I can give them both the up bringing that means that they can go onto to have happy, healthy functional lives; with the ability to maintain positive relationships with others. That I can bring joy into their lives and that the three of us will go on many adventures creating wonderful memories together. The judgement was not only for relocation, it was also for primary custody, dramatically reducing the time spent with him by the DS. I am not a dad. And those are shoes that I can not fill, nor do I want too. I need to focus on being their mum, hoping that I can bring balance into their lives so that they know that while we don't live with a dad, he is there. And within the limits of keeping them safe somehow I will juggle helping them both maintain that connection.
It was a friend who had the privillage yesterday of witnessing the beginning of the meltdown. Perhaps taken unaware by my news firstly, which I then followed up with a torrent of tears (even though they have tried assure me I wasn't a blubbering mess, it sure felt like I was). I made my head hurt by trying to hold them in (the tears), it was an impossible task at times. This friend stayed strong, having been through something similar their words of empathy reached me. Holding me, assuring me that what was happening was the right thing. They knew that while the rest of the world is saying congratulations, you won, that inside I am grieving. Thank you.
And then today, I was scared to even talk to anyone as I knew my bottom lip could drop at anytime and then that was the sure sign the my eyes were going to start leaking again. An excuse I have learnt over the years to try and disguise an ugly crying face is hay-fever. I have no idea if anybody actually believes that but I don't feel like such a dumb-ass for walking around all day with red puffy leaking eyes. I thought about not going to work but knew that I would just lie on the couch and cry all day. So being the sharing caring type I decided to go in and inflict my emotions on everybody else in the office! And while physically present at my desk, I wil admit that not much work actually got completed. I tired ,I really did. But feeling slithgy dehydrated and sleep deprived there was no amount of caffeine that was going to bring me back today. All I can hope for tonight is sleep and hours of it.
So to conclude so that no-one is left worried or concerned; I am back on my full dose of meds, I pride myself on the self awareness that I have about how I feel and I will not hesitate to to ask for help. And while I complain about the amount of tears at the moment you know that I can still smile and laugh.
I am mentally preparing for tomorrow by visualising getting up tomorrow morning, putting my big girls knickers on, listening to Edith Piaf and getting ready for the day ahead. Whatever it plans to throw at me, through tears and possibly snot running down my face, I will kick its arse.
Monday, 11 August 2014
Finding your happy place
After reaching the point of being almost 100% consumed with my application in the Family Court I am now left waiting. Waiting for THE answer to the biggest question I have ever asked in my life.
It's funny in a way how after months of carrying around the stress even though my head knows I am done my bodies physically response is still catching up. I have to remind myself that it is done now, no need for the anxiety.
I think I have been able to prepare myself the best I can for either decision, yes or no. It is more about being able to move on with life, regardless of which city I live in. Don't get me wrong I want to be home in Melbourne, but if that can't be then I know I can make the something of it here. It's just a matter of tackling the over whelming homesickness I feel sometimes.
Today I fell on edge, still awake at 11.16pm but that probably has something to do with the can of V I drank this afternoon :o/ I feel restless, like I need to go for a run, and anybody who knows me well knows I don't run!! So instead I am lying in bed, laptop on my tummy listening to music and banging away on the keyboard in the hope that I can tire myself out before my alarm goes of at 6am. And at 6am I am sure I am going to feel tired and struggle out of bed.
One comment the other day sticks out to me, made on my FB page. That I don't write with bitterness and anger. I am sure every body has their own perceptions when they read my blog, but I was actually glad to hear that it doesn't come across that way.
I do get angry and bitter, but talk myself out of it. To hold on to any negative feelings about what has happened and what has been done I believe plays into the control aspect of the domestic violence cycle. While I acknowledge those feelings of hate and sadness I try not to hold onto to them for too long. To do so would only continue the cycle of domestic violence we lived with. I believe that my children need to see me move on with my life and not hold such negativity in. Don't get me wrong when face to face with him it is a great internal struggle not to lash out, to blame him for everything. Seeing him are the times I have to use all my self control not to stoop to his level and I can feel the hate is oozing out of me. Oozing hate is no way to keep yourself looking young!!
Mind over matter, that's how I do it. Acknowledge how I feel in the moment and afterwards; right, wrong or indifferent and then find my happy place!
And today my happy place was a block of Cadburys Picnic chocolate. It has been the longest time since I have eaten chocolate and today I made up for that. All it took was 15 minutes in the waiting room to get my eyebrows waxed and BAM, half a block gone. But tomorrow who knows where I will find my happy place and that's what I love about life; you just never know :O)
It's funny in a way how after months of carrying around the stress even though my head knows I am done my bodies physically response is still catching up. I have to remind myself that it is done now, no need for the anxiety.
I think I have been able to prepare myself the best I can for either decision, yes or no. It is more about being able to move on with life, regardless of which city I live in. Don't get me wrong I want to be home in Melbourne, but if that can't be then I know I can make the something of it here. It's just a matter of tackling the over whelming homesickness I feel sometimes.
Today I fell on edge, still awake at 11.16pm but that probably has something to do with the can of V I drank this afternoon :o/ I feel restless, like I need to go for a run, and anybody who knows me well knows I don't run!! So instead I am lying in bed, laptop on my tummy listening to music and banging away on the keyboard in the hope that I can tire myself out before my alarm goes of at 6am. And at 6am I am sure I am going to feel tired and struggle out of bed.
One comment the other day sticks out to me, made on my FB page. That I don't write with bitterness and anger. I am sure every body has their own perceptions when they read my blog, but I was actually glad to hear that it doesn't come across that way.
I do get angry and bitter, but talk myself out of it. To hold on to any negative feelings about what has happened and what has been done I believe plays into the control aspect of the domestic violence cycle. While I acknowledge those feelings of hate and sadness I try not to hold onto to them for too long. To do so would only continue the cycle of domestic violence we lived with. I believe that my children need to see me move on with my life and not hold such negativity in. Don't get me wrong when face to face with him it is a great internal struggle not to lash out, to blame him for everything. Seeing him are the times I have to use all my self control not to stoop to his level and I can feel the hate is oozing out of me. Oozing hate is no way to keep yourself looking young!!
Mind over matter, that's how I do it. Acknowledge how I feel in the moment and afterwards; right, wrong or indifferent and then find my happy place!
And today my happy place was a block of Cadburys Picnic chocolate. It has been the longest time since I have eaten chocolate and today I made up for that. All it took was 15 minutes in the waiting room to get my eyebrows waxed and BAM, half a block gone. But tomorrow who knows where I will find my happy place and that's what I love about life; you just never know :O)
Sunday, 10 August 2014
INTENSE
What a week. The week I had spent many hours in the middle of the night awake thinking about for the last 10 months.
I was terrified of how it would be. The hearing was for relocation to Melbourne and at the last minute I also applied for full custody, and for the Judge to give me the guardianship rights to organise school and any care arrangements needed for DS week to week. These things normally need to be organsied by the parents together but I had a strong case as to the detrimental effect this would have on DS given his fathers history with changing kindergartens.
I had in my head that the three day hearing would be me defending myself agaist some outrageous allegations made by him and also defending my request to return my children back to Melbourne where a better life awaits them.
I was anxious at the arrival of my mum and dad from melboure who had been called as witnesses. There were some things that I needed to tell them before the made their way to the witness stand, and these weren't easy things.
My manager at work had always known what was going on but I decided to tell my team the week before the hearing. They were all amazingly supportive with most them texting me last week-end to wish me the best of luck.
I didn't know I was capable of absorbing and coping with so much stress and anxiety as I had in the week leading up to the hearing.
Life here had been pretty ugly over the last five years and there was a lot to relive in those three days for the sake of the judge. Most of it written here in my blog, but like always not everything is here. Some things that are still held in my head and heart I can't yet let out, and have never told anybody.
I had represented myself up to the last week of July, this was to reduce costs as I am barely able to meet the fortnightly payments I am making to my lawyer. He has been there the whole ten months just waiting to jump in at the last minute.
He is amazing ... human. He had prepared me for the worst and hugged me at the end. I know it's his job and I am paying him, but this guy cared. He cared for what was right for the children and what was right for me. He was organised, prepared and super smart. He nailed it like an episode of Boston Legal.
The hearing had been set for three days, with nine witnesses; some professionals and the remainder us and family. There were three lawyers; mine, his and DS was represented as well. The Judge we had seen before and knew our case well.
By lunch time on the first day I knew I was going to me ok. Although I was feeling OK I never let my guard down. I was always waiting for that moment that would make my tummy turn and the tears start. There were no tears at all through the whole process.
Things were focused on the domestic violence that the children and I had lived with. As well as the in-stable environment that he had created for DS. I wasn't cross examined for as long as I thought nor were the questions as bad as I had prepared myself for. My parents time was also minimal.
Alot of time was spent with him and his parents, made to accept as individuals that their behaviour had been harassment and his father asked had he ever apologised to me for what he had put me through.
The feeling of justice and liberty is indescribable. For years I had listened to him blame me for everything. Regardless of the outcome to relocate this has been an amazing part of the journey to healing. That it was acknowledged and recorded that he and his family behaviour was wrong. So wrong that it has and will have an impact on the children. If nothing else maybe it will deter them from behaving this way again with my family.
The Judge will take till the end of the month to make a decision. If he grants my application to relocate there is an appeals process that he can go through. I am pretty much expecting that to happen. My lawyer and I have already started discussing our plan for that outcome.
Regardless of what the next few weeks may bring, I feel free.
Please feel free to share my blog, my story. It may give somebody the courage to fight when they didn't think that they could.
I was terrified of how it would be. The hearing was for relocation to Melbourne and at the last minute I also applied for full custody, and for the Judge to give me the guardianship rights to organise school and any care arrangements needed for DS week to week. These things normally need to be organsied by the parents together but I had a strong case as to the detrimental effect this would have on DS given his fathers history with changing kindergartens.
I had in my head that the three day hearing would be me defending myself agaist some outrageous allegations made by him and also defending my request to return my children back to Melbourne where a better life awaits them.
I was anxious at the arrival of my mum and dad from melboure who had been called as witnesses. There were some things that I needed to tell them before the made their way to the witness stand, and these weren't easy things.
My manager at work had always known what was going on but I decided to tell my team the week before the hearing. They were all amazingly supportive with most them texting me last week-end to wish me the best of luck.
I didn't know I was capable of absorbing and coping with so much stress and anxiety as I had in the week leading up to the hearing.
Life here had been pretty ugly over the last five years and there was a lot to relive in those three days for the sake of the judge. Most of it written here in my blog, but like always not everything is here. Some things that are still held in my head and heart I can't yet let out, and have never told anybody.
I had represented myself up to the last week of July, this was to reduce costs as I am barely able to meet the fortnightly payments I am making to my lawyer. He has been there the whole ten months just waiting to jump in at the last minute.
He is amazing ... human. He had prepared me for the worst and hugged me at the end. I know it's his job and I am paying him, but this guy cared. He cared for what was right for the children and what was right for me. He was organised, prepared and super smart. He nailed it like an episode of Boston Legal.
The hearing had been set for three days, with nine witnesses; some professionals and the remainder us and family. There were three lawyers; mine, his and DS was represented as well. The Judge we had seen before and knew our case well.
By lunch time on the first day I knew I was going to me ok. Although I was feeling OK I never let my guard down. I was always waiting for that moment that would make my tummy turn and the tears start. There were no tears at all through the whole process.
Things were focused on the domestic violence that the children and I had lived with. As well as the in-stable environment that he had created for DS. I wasn't cross examined for as long as I thought nor were the questions as bad as I had prepared myself for. My parents time was also minimal.
Alot of time was spent with him and his parents, made to accept as individuals that their behaviour had been harassment and his father asked had he ever apologised to me for what he had put me through.
The feeling of justice and liberty is indescribable. For years I had listened to him blame me for everything. Regardless of the outcome to relocate this has been an amazing part of the journey to healing. That it was acknowledged and recorded that he and his family behaviour was wrong. So wrong that it has and will have an impact on the children. If nothing else maybe it will deter them from behaving this way again with my family.
The Judge will take till the end of the month to make a decision. If he grants my application to relocate there is an appeals process that he can go through. I am pretty much expecting that to happen. My lawyer and I have already started discussing our plan for that outcome.
Regardless of what the next few weeks may bring, I feel free.
Please feel free to share my blog, my story. It may give somebody the courage to fight when they didn't think that they could.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)