meh.

That's how I'm feeling ... meh

Urban dictionary definition: Indifference; to be used when one simply does not care.

What do I want for lunch ... meh. 

Look hot guy hanging off the side of the building cleaning windows ... meh

We can see up his shorts ... meh
 

The only thing that got me excited today was awesome news about the prospective job in Melbourne and chocolate cake.

I'm stuck in this stink and have been for about a week.  I'm not depressed, emotionally I feel very content.  Having dumped a lot of what used to go on in my head and heart here has done wonders!  I feel like I have lost my mojo, my spark that I use to keep myself and others motivated.  My abundance of energy and enthusiasm, which is not good this close to performance review time at work.  When I get asked how I think I have been preforming ... meh is not the answer.

There is a lot to not be feeling meh about at the moment.  We won an award at work last week.  Team of the year in our field out of all public and private sector teams, even beating out one of the largest banks in New Zealand and Australia.

The job offer, which I was given more info on today.  Like my job title, holy moly it is a little scary actually.  But I know me and I will take the challenge and kick its arse!

Any ideas for kicking an acute case of the 'meh's' are welcome ... 

Gosh even as I think about hitting the post button on this I feel like I am letting you all down cause it is so, how shall I say it ... meh?

 P.S Check out my friends website ;O)

http://www.scintilla-design.co.nz/Scintilla_Design/Home.html 

What happens in Court stays in Court

Somebody drank too much coffee today ... especially one cup in the afternoon which I never normally do.  So this is self inflicted insomnia.  So I am trying to put the awake time to good use.

If you know me on Facebook then you know the story so far and that I am trying to return home. Last week I had a 15 minute Court conference.  This was/is in prepartion for a final defended hearing where I have asked a Judge to decide if my youngest child can move back to my home town, country.

I represent myself, I don't have a lawyer prepare my papers or come into court with me.  I do pay for legal advice just to make sure I am doing the right things.  When it comes to the defended hearing I will have them represent me then.  I calculated the other day that to have the lawyer in court with me for two days it will cost $6,500.00 NZD. 

So things I have to do over the next 12 weeks:

• Attend a parenting through separation workshop
• Attend three more counseling sessions
• Re-read everything he has submitted to court and write a response
• Choose witnesses to have cross exmined
• Spend about eight hours with a psychologist -  by myself and at home with the children
• Have a social worker come around to eveluate our current home environment
• Save as much money as I can 

I have no issue doing any of this.  I welcome these people into my home to show them what I already know; that my children have a sfae, clean and loving home to live in.  Free of violence.

After that 12 weeks, the Judge will set a date for the defended hearing.  They are estimating at the moment that we will need to full days in Court.    Anybody who has put a supporting affidavit in can be called as a witness.  I had six people submit affidavits in support of my application and he has one support affidavit.  So far we know that two people from my affidavits have been called as witnesses and I need to confirm if they will do that by phone or if they will need to fly over.

So how do I feel about how last week went.  Slightly frustrated that this could drag on for another six months.  But I just have to put it in perspective, I am alive and I have my children and really six months is a drop in the ocean of a life time.

I also walked out of the court room feeling even more empowered, as I just sat there while he dug his hole deeper.  So far I haven't really had to say much as he does a really good job of saying the wrong things, which I feel just add weight to my application.

And the finale for that day ... him having a nutter moment after the court session in the waiting room in front of everybody.  Yelling at the top of his lungs like a mad man, shouting at DS Lawyer.  Maybe if I buy him a bigger shovel he can dig his hole faster and we can get this over and done with sooner.  

Below is just one song that has been on rotation for me lately:

 

In the course of time

Life has hit full speed again, juggling kids, work, study and back to court.

So at the end of this week I am back in court. It will be like a preliminary hearing which will set the timetable for what the Judge wants to be able to make a decision.  So certain reports will be done on us and the children.  Also this should result in a date for the final hearing where a decision will be made, I am hoping that this will be no longer than eight weeks away.  So I am feeling OK about this one, but starting to get nervous about the final hearing.  It could take all day and witnesses will be cross examined.

I have to go through all the papers he has filed since I put my application and this makes me feel sick.

Last time I read them, which was also the first time I read them I nearly had a nervous break down.  I couldn't stop crying, shaking and vomiting.  I remember going to bed that night crying and even though I slept a little every time I woke up I would be crying still.  By the morning I had no control of the physical symptoms of the stress I was experiencing. I did my best to get DD off to school with out her having to witness to much of my close call with a breakdown. 

I drove myself straight to the doctors as soon as I could, and as soon as I walked in her office she put her arms around me and passed the box of tissues.  I could hardly speak to tell her what was happening, but I obviously got enough out for her to be able to help me.

She diagnosed it as an acute panic attack and anxiety.  She gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant which I still take at the moment.  It has helped a lot.  I can't afford to stop functioning at this point.  So I take this medication for anxiety and not for depression.  I have had a few smaller panic attacks since but manage to get a grip on myself easier than before.

The idea is that I will take them until I have an answer about the relocation, and once things settle down after that I  will start to reduce my dose and hopefully my need for them.

So you can understand why I am so hesitant to spend my time reading those court documents  again, over and over ,while I write my response to his untruths and unfair opinions of me as a mother to both my children.

I need to keep focused on the end result and ackownledge that the next two months are going to be tough, painful and scary.  But I will focus on the result I want, that the children and I need.  To go home to be with our family and friends.

So once again friends and family,  this is when I need you to send your love and strength our way.  Prayers or positive energy which ever you believe in, it is all needed and I am grateful beyond words for all of the well wishes that you have all sent me so far xxx

Back here ...

I'm back.

I tried writing while I was away, but couldn't get into it.  Figure I was surrounded by those that I love and that eliminated the need to brain dump here.

But here I am, back!  The trip was just what I needed.  I got to see my family, with all their tears ... emotional bunch at times.  I got to spend time with my dearest friend and her family, sick babies and all, I didn't care.  I was just happy to cuddle her babies and help out where I could. I don't know how she does it.  Working practically full time with twin one year old's.  Running a house with her husband and step-son.

Highlights ... arriving!  and sleeping.  I was sleeping a solid six to seven hours a night which is something I haven't done in a long time.  I even got a three hour nap in on my second last day.  And then first night back in my own bed, arghhhh awake at stupid o'clock.

I caught up with an old high school friend and got to meet his beautiful wife and children.  We figured that we hadn't seen each other since my 21st birthday party, 17 years ago. I think we look the same just older.  And we probably don't get into as much mischief as we used to either.

I got a tattoo.  A long awaited one.  It is my second and I would show you but it is the children's names, so not here.  If you have me on facebook you can see the munted after photo where it is all swollen (must post a new one as it looks much better now). 

I shopped and ate just like I said I would.  Way to many donuts, but hey I was on holiday.  And my suitcase had more in it for the return trip than it should have.  

The weather wasn't as hot as I would have liked but we did get one hot day.  I loved spending time with my big niece.  And I only checked my work email twice, three times if you count this morning.

This is my first week back studying after a summer break as well.  So this is were life starts to get stupid busy.  But I just keep focused on the end goal.

While I was away I got a court date.  This will be a preliminary hearing for the actual hearing regarding my application to relocate.  It is a good step forward, however this process has sharp turns at times so I will just put my game face on and wait and see what happens.

Whatever the decisions is, it will just be good to get on with life, here or at home.

At the moment I am still feeling the afterglow of the trip, but I know it won't last and it will be hard the next couple of days getting back into life here instead of at home.

I am the world's crappiest photographer, but here are a few photo's I took:

Flying into Melbourne, over the east coast

Home

The best place in the world to sleep

This is a ring tailed possum that lives with my parents, on the outside of the room I stayed in

Raspberry and vodka, cause it seemed like a good idea at the time.  It tasted like cough syrup and made our mouths bright red.  Maybe good for 16 year olds but I might try something a little more grown up next time

Mid tattoo