Hello world.
It has been approximately 18 months since my last post and this has the potential to be a one off. Who knows, I can't promise you anything.
So lets just get the OH&S stuff sorted first. My spelling and grammar will be off, and I am not sorry. My dream is to one day come back and tidy all these suckers up to a more reader friendly standard ... or not. But for now this is a brain dump. I choose to publish my blog to my Facebook page in the hope that my stories may help just one person in a similar situation, to make them realise that they are not alone and through my story they may find a better path. I might swear or might not, it really will depend on my mood. So if you struggle with some foul language, spelling mistakes and grammar faux pars then the exit is to your top right, the red cross at the top of your web browser. I wont use names. Not even my own here on the blog but you are most likely reading this through my Facebook page so you know who I am. So if you have been fortunate enough to been given this link then you can assume that I am somewhat comfortable (never 100%) that you are reading. I live by an open book policy; I have nothing to hide or to be ashamed about. That said due to parents and aunt's having access to this blog there are some secrets a girl must keep ;O) So those stories will be kept to nights of excessive vodka drinking where I can deny all knowledge of things said the next day with no written proof. I will use humor at the most inappropriate times - it's my coping mechanism. Don't judge. And if you are feeling any sort of motion sickness; I'm sorry I can't help you because you are there and I am here. But that really shouldn't be an issue I am expecting a fairly smooth ride. DS stands for Dear Son and DD stands for Dear Daughter. An old online way of referring to your children without using their names. DP believe it or not means Dear Partner not Deep Penetration, so on and so forth ... I think you can figure it from here.
I get anxious and full of self-doubt before hitting the post button but as like other aspects of my life refuse to let these feelings stop me from being and saying what I need to. I am no longer taking medication for depression and anxiety but rather riding the waves of emotion that come with being a nearly 40 something single parent who works full time and has a mortgage to pay. I feel I now have the self awareness to see when I am heading down hill and have my own strategies to cope with that.
Why so long between posts? I sort of forgot that I can do this and that it feels good to unleash here sending my woes out into the universe rather than selfishly keeping them inside my head where they get to reek havoc on my mental state. Also I have lacked a decent laptop, a very important tool for blogging. But I am back up and running with a new one with the battery capacity to allow me to lie in bed, listen to music and type to my hearts content or until sleep deprivation finally kicks in and I can no longer keep my eyes open. Also in comparison to NZ our life has become relatively boring but in the best way possible. I still spend some of my life in court fighting for what is best for DS (dear son) but compared to three day Family Court trials and High Court appeals we are doing just fine. Also I am sure I have explained before my uncanny ability to procrastinate, So yep I have more important things I should be doing but here I am. I think another reason I'm back is that in the past couple of weeks I have had to retell my story over and over again. It has brought the ugliness back to the service and when I am in my head alone I can't sort it out.
Why have I had to tell my story repeatedly over the last couple of weeks? Because DS is broken and the team trying to help us need to know all the ugly. And by team I mean we currently have two child psychologists, two pediatricians, one GP and a handful of teachers and aides working with us daily to keep him emotionally and socially functional. They need to diagnose him so that we can get funding so that he can have the resources available to him to get through each day. Depending on which one you talk to you will get a different theory on what is wrong. From Autism to high functioning Asperger to ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) to just plain old broken. At this point I'll take whatever he needs to be so that he gets the help that he needs. I spend a lot of time lately having long conversations with strangers about all he can't do or all that he is doing wrong. Like he can't recognise facial expressions or empathise/sympathies with others. That he can't stand loud noises and often spends his days at school with his head on the floor spinning in circles. He has tent in his classroom and that is where he spends most of his time alone. Anyhow I'll probably go into more detail in coming posts on all of this.
And I'm scared. My new job frightens me; the idea of a new routine and working further away from DS. The job itself is exciting but it changes our life. And routine is important DS and this means new people in his life doing things for him that I can't because I will be at work. Before school care and other mums helping with after school drop offs. Getting home later with the flow on affect of a later bedtime routine for him. More responsibility for DD (dear daughter). I think I can do you a whole post on our new teenager and the trials and tribulations of her first year at High School and how all this (the above) impacts her life too. As a dear friend said she is a good egg and I am forever grateful for the amazing human she has turned out to be so far and I have no doubt that this kid will succeed in her life albeit while doing life as an interpretive dance routine.
The more important thing I should be doing right now is typing up my latest court application to change the visitation of DS with his father. I look back to the NZ days where I held down a full time job, studied and mostly represented myself in court for 18 months. I don't know how I did that. I have stopped studying, I just can't find the motivation at the moment and as you can see will do anything other than fill out another court application which really should have been done weeks ago. But I do believe that my best work is done at the last minute, with the help of a close friend! So that means that I will do it on Sunday night for a Monday morning submission.
And success, I am tired and ready for bed which will hopefully also result in sleep. And if it doesn't I am sure that I can get myself through tomorrow with the right amount of caffeine.
